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zaktoscani's profile
Zak Toscani
Zak Toscani
Zak Toscani
@zaktoscani

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Zak Toscani

@zaktoscani

Stand Up Comedian / Writer / Frequent guest on All Fantasy Everything

Los Angeles, CA
zaktoscani.com
Joined January 2011

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    Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

    Co-worker got his lunch stolen and they’ve agreed to let him watch the security camera tape. This is the most excited I’ve ever been at any job ever. Ever.

    1:00 PM - 29 Mar 2018
    • 177,967 Retweets
    • 565,117 Likes
    • sussie Brian Troutman Fancy 🄽 🄰 🄸 🄼 🄰 Alex ‎أمبرين Sajan R Siyamthanda. Sana alam ni Gunter na mahal ko siya
    8,112 replies 177,967 retweets 565,117 likes
      1. New conversation
      2. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

        The lunch in question was shrimp fried rice which means this escalates from a misdemeanor to felony no doubt

        121 replies 5,343 retweets 75,514 likes
        Show this thread
      3. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

        Case facts: Lunch was in fridge for less than an hour before it vanished. No shrimp smell remnants in the microwave or kitchen area. This was a professional hit no doubt

        45 replies 3,564 retweets 51,519 likes
        Show this thread
      4. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

        HOLY SHIT. He’s back. He watched the tape. He knows who did it.

        34 replies 2,724 retweets 42,733 likes
        Show this thread
      5. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

        So the man who’s lunch was stolen sits across from me. The person who stole his lunch sits RIGHT NEXT TO ME! She left for the day before the investigation started

        57 replies 3,083 retweets 44,739 likes
        Show this thread
      6. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

        According to the video, this psychopath DIDNT EVEN EAT THE FOOD. She took it out of the fridge and threw and buried it in the trash

        252 replies 3,723 retweets 49,047 likes
        Show this thread
      7. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 29

        Her motives remain completely unknown. In lieu of what he saw on the tape he has decided to not to press the matter anymore. I can’t say I blame him. We don’t know what this women’s fully capable of

        118 replies 2,818 retweets 47,149 likes
        Show this thread
      8. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        Points to clarify: he bought the shrimp fried rice around 11:30am (carry out) and put it in the fridge to chill until he takes lunch at noon. So she had exactly a 30min window of time to do what she did. There was no intention of microwaving the food

        102 replies 2,303 retweets 37,395 likes
        Show this thread
      9. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        Update: Ok so when dude watched the video with HR they asked “what do you want to do about it?” he told them he was solely interested in who did it and that he didn’t want to be responsible for someone getting fired

        75 replies 2,184 retweets 34,139 likes
        Show this thread
      10. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        After charges were dropped, HR sent a company wide email about not stealing people’s lunches. She is scheduled to arrive at work in 20min. My blood is on cocaine

        159 replies 4,072 retweets 71,533 likes
        Show this thread
      11. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        She has walked into the room. And the room is dead silent. Dead fucking silent yet there is a palpable explosive energy pulsing through everyone but her

        46 replies 2,823 retweets 50,403 likes
        Show this thread
      12. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        From the moment she walked in, I’ve just been staring at her. Watched her open her email and now she clicked on the goddamn HR email! Holy fuck strap in - here we go!

        47 replies 2,382 retweets 41,555 likes
        Show this thread
      13. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        I can’t move. I simply cannot move, anything could happen right now

        34 replies 2,032 retweets 40,356 likes
        Show this thread
      14. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        !!!! After seeing the HR email she says out loud “woah. Someone stole a lunch? Who would do something like that?” !!! I may have to run out of this room

        145 replies 4,529 retweets 72,979 likes
        Show this thread
      15. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        After she said that, shrimp guy responds “well yea it’s not ok to throw someone’s food away” we’re all about to start screaming

        57 replies 3,167 retweets 55,796 likes
        Show this thread
      16. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        This shits about to get crazier. After he says that she goes “oh it was your lunch?” BEAT she continues “well why would you go to HR about that?!”

        123 replies 2,361 retweets 39,655 likes
        Show this thread
      17. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        She has simultaneously denied her involvement AND called the guy who saved her job a snitch!!!!!!!!!

        205 replies 2,997 retweets 54,089 likes
        Show this thread
      18. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        Dude just sighed and went back to work after she said what she said. She looks frightwningly calm

        215 replies 1,887 retweets 34,339 likes
        Show this thread
      19. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        I’ll keep updating if anything else occurs but all I can say is that EVERYONE in the office from the janitor to the founder knows what she did. She now carries an invisible scarlet letter

        577 replies 2,980 retweets 62,591 likes
        Show this thread
      20. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        This is real. This is happening. We know who did it but we don’t know why. It’s a post production company so we’re in fact open today. She’s been sitting 3ft from me this whole time

        521 replies 1,782 retweets 37,139 likes
        Show this thread
      21. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        Unbeknownst to the guy and the woman, I just ordered 3 shrimp fried rice plates for lunch and will be hand delivering them

        548 replies 2,256 retweets 51,650 likes
        Show this thread
      22. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        She took the fried rice from me with a big smile on her face. She’s eating it and loving it. This is utter ruthlessness

        407 replies 1,947 retweets 40,039 likes
        Show this thread
      23. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        “I LOVE shrimp fried rice” - the thief

        1,007 replies 4,874 retweets 64,701 likes
        Show this thread
      24. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Mar 30

        I wish I could close this up with a neat little bow, but, it appears that we may never know why she did it. Maybe she doesn’t know she did it. Either way I’m now forced to work 40hrs a week next to a cold blooded individual

        3,316 replies 4,428 retweets 97,227 likes
        Show this thread
      25. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Apr 2

        Monday Morning Update: I was the first one into the office. She was the second. Just her and I, sitting 3ft away from each other in an empty room for over an hour. Every breath felt borrowed.

        85 replies 185 retweets 3,454 likes
        Show this thread
      26. Zak Toscani‏ @zaktoscani Apr 2

        She has not seen any of this. OR she is thoroughly and convincingly pretending not that have seen it. Either way I’m still alive. Thank you for reading.

        318 replies 190 retweets 4,790 likes
        Show this thread
      27. End of conversation

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