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Prikvačeni tweet
Every time I come home to visit Cincinnati, my father will pick me up from the airport, but instead of going directly home. He’ll show me every single thing that’s changed since the last time. He was gassing up this new Waffle House for 35 miles.pic.twitter.com/rMJAbVipLU
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My dad then pointed to a chart. A small circle that said OLIVE GARDEN. A medium circle encompassing the smaller circle which said FAMILY. And a larger circle encompassing both circles that said BUSINESS
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“Listen young man, family. Family, is a business at the end of the day”
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I was once traded by mom to my dad for peace & quiet considerations
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built an app to help clean my room. The app is so easy, so fast, and so accurate. This room will be cleaned in no time. *16 hours later* THE APP FUCKING WORKS OK?!pic.twitter.com/Bb7EwJfZa1
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Started today falling down some stairs with a couple 2x4’s following close behind. Great alarm clock would recommend
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Zak Toscani proslijedio/la je Tweet
cats litter box is next to the toilet, which means, not often, but once in awhile, I walk out + see cat waiting to get in. It’s so funny to me - so human of an interaction that I’ll say: Might wanna wait a min dude Or You just eat a whole can of beef too? Or Ma’am *tip my hat*
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texted a fast food order to a friend and I feel like I just wrote the next great American novel
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Zak Toscani proslijedio/la je Tweet
We’re back this Friday! Tickets are already moving quick, grab em while you can cuz this week’s show is LOADED.http://fadedcomedy.com
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Zak Toscani proslijedio/la je Tweet
Maaaaaaybe the reason you’re having such a hard time dating is because you keep posting screenshots of texts from people you’re dating.
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Zak Toscani proslijedio/la je Tweet
The best football play in Florida this weekend won’t be at the the Super Bowlpic.twitter.com/9jxp31eG9R
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All the food can stay. I choose my guests to gohttps://twitter.com/whistlesports/status/1223993617058013184 …
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*plays Tree Of Life DVD even though they asked me to stop* *overheard at the little kids table* “I think we can all agree Kobe’s legacy is complicated” “Wow! What a huge upset. Kind of like your mood when you drive in traffic William”
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I go to super bowl parties with the guise of football talk and get personal “I cant believe the receiver kept his feet in bounds! Didnt step out at all, not like you did with Diane right Steve?” *mutes the tv* “heh. A timeout don’t we all wish we could take a timeout from life?
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Never mind the redundant perspective, it also just looks physically uncomfortable cramming him inpic.twitter.com/LNLwD3xK7S
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A reminder to ESPN that we don’t need two McEnroes in the commentary booth
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Performing stand up in smaller cities is the best. I even enjoy the part when a local comic who you don’t know, who wasn’t on the show, comes at you like “umm...you probably didn’t know this, but like, I’M the comic who does Best Buy jokes here”
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I gotta stop eating like I’m on a constant road trip
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LOUDBIG VON BEEFOVEN!https://twitter.com/whattheschmuck/status/1223700428778541057 …
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Rapturous, that was the feeling I felt when I saw a Vulture article about how funny, unique, and caring my friends are. Verklempt, that’s what I became when I saw my name mentioned in it as well!https://www.vulture.com/2020/01/all-fantasy-everything-ian-karmel-podcast-best-episode.html …
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