yungdeleuze

For a long time, I subscribed to the Buddhist notion that one’s ego should be annihilated: 0. In the spring, I tried Nietzsche’s idea that ego should be maximized: infinite. Now, I’ve realized that ego is not harmful if it resides in the proper place: 1.

1 is a number that is meaningless on its own, as all numbers exist solely through their relation to each other and the ways they can be manipulated. So what is the ego, 1, in relation to?

If A is an ontological frame that holds your world together, in my case Christianity, and b is your own personality, then: [A b] = the product of your life, with some noise (inaccuracy/sin) thrown in

Imagine A is an infinite dimensional matrix Imagine b is a vector with an infinite number of values For the sake of discussion, assume that the experience of your life is the fusion of these quantities and that they end up multiplying

For 3.5 years, I repeatedly discarded b while continually computing new approximations of A.

Ego, b, develops naturally on its own. The real ego trip I’ve been on for the past 3.5 years: I continued to periodically kill b after it had developed for a while and replace it with the byproduct of a new conception of A.

The person never matched the ideal, so a continual unhappiness and grasping towards perfection continued.

I feel so relieved now that I can accept having a personality. It feels better, more natural. Buddhism exalts nothingness to eliminate suffering. Christianity exalts wabi sabi to maximize the Passion of humanity over the longest span of time possible.