"WHO HURT YOU? MY OWN EXPECTATIONS" hits far too close to home for my tastes.
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Replying to @XiranJayZhao
went to china a couple years back and i still have (crappy) pictures of my favorite shirts
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Youhas S... Turkeys
@youhas
Rank amateur dork-of-all-trades. Less amateur at Guitar Hero and Rock Band. Bay Area person forever. Nicely doughy cis white male paired-off dude! 
He/him.
He/him.Youhas S... Turkeys’s Tweets
Grew up in the mountains. No Congress member represented us. We were a voting bloc to be tack-welded onto something for counting purposes.
Really there's no great plan outside of increasing the number of representatives in the House. Then my podunk hometown might've had a voice.
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I dunno which is more surprising: that your lifetime odds of dying in a motor vehicle accident are ~1%, that suicide is right on par with that, or that COVID-19 is THAT HIGH.
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Wow. This “context” is complete bullshit. My tweet was accurate. I *did* cite the annual risk of dying in a car.
The lifetime risk is 1 in 101.
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I'm not saying that the guy who ran our trivia hosting gigs was unethical.
But he DID give out willy-nilly "how to shut off the local wifi" info. To prevent cheaters! But, y'know, which the locales' credit card systems were also using.
I have been in one fight my entire life.
Maybe 13? Threw one punch. Junior high locker room. It broke my hand.
No return punch was thrown. Likely because the hell are you gonna prove, beating up an alpha-nerd handicapped pipsqueak? That's not great optics for anyone.
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I often forget that my minor was in "engineering management" aka "how not to be an officious jerk."
"Gallant tells his coworkers that we should make sure that everyone gets a piece of the birthday cake! Goofus gobbles slices and harshes on 'fatties'."
IS BEING CIVIL THAT HARD?
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In-N-Out closed at 2am.
But it was Daylight Saving "fall back" hour! It HAD BEEN 2am! But it was 1am NOW!
That was ONE MAGICAL YEAR where the place nearest to campus stayed open. MANY Double-Doubles consumed during the nonexistent hour!
Then they halted the practice
But still!
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"Yes, I have MARVELOUS costumes!" Not even a question. I have SO MANY.
"Is this loose and baggy? Or tolerably snug? Or do I need to get the hoist and winch out of storage?"
Well, now you've hit the X-Factor, where given my current spread, I never want to be seen by outsiders.
2005 was SEVENTEEN YEARS AGO. (Nickelback's "How You Remind" was four years old at that point.)
Thank you for reading this update. I'll be hiding under the covers if anyone needs me.
I love that we all have our Respective Things that tickle our fancies.
There is no objective reason why a Madden knock-off quarterback named "Cletus Fuckhat of the Dallas Zombies" should slay me. But it does! EVERY TIME
Ah, the turning of the season! Autumn comes, and with it the promise of gingersnaps, comfy blankies, snickerdoodles, and the cats realizing that I am often the single warmest point in the apartment.
Romeo. Sierra. Quebec. Uniform. Victor. Dammit.
Some day, I'll be able to recall the entire NATO alphabet in one go. Some day.
(I still say things thing "fife tree zero niner" on the phone. Communication clarity is a good thing.)
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That the Loma Prieta death toll didn't hit three digits is inexplicable.
But "we're gonna have the MLB teams from there square off! so everyone will basically be in well-built public areas! and THEN the quake will happen!"
There aren't enough zeroes for me to post those odds.
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The deadline to apply for student loan forgiveness under temporary changes to the Public Service Loan Forgiveness Program is October 31.
Check your eligibility at PSLF.gov.
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'All The President's Men' was ironic because there were only two men! Ed 'Wood' Ward and Berenstain Bear. Nixon hired them to water his gates lol! But then they got locked out of their hotel room, and hijinks ensued.
All super true! Ask Clif Snotes. He knows the deal.
Fun fact: the largest possible earthquake is a factor of its fault line length and depth!
So California won't ever suffer a 10.0 earthquake! The San Andreas is too short and too shallow, topping out at ~8.3. (Which in fairness would still have a good chance of ruining your day.)
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"The great genie grants thee ONE wish! Thou must--"
"Can I be omniscient?"
"Wait, I didn't even get to--"
"If I know everything, I assume everything else will take care of itself. I'll know all! I can crush it."
"This was a lot more fun when folks just wanted a golden bison."
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"I love our office dogs! They're so friendly! Everyone loves dogs!"
Your dog aggressively approached me EVERY time I was near. Unleashed. Just hoping for the day when you'd be too distracted to hold them back.
I'm not litigious. But that was SCREAMING "unsafe work environment".
[loads up Madden football]
"You have a previous character! Want to import it?" I guess?
Sure looks like me! Preferred jersey number. Zero fashion sense. But the name is "Dante Clerx-Reference"? Why THAT?
Because I'm #37. And I was referring to the movie Clerks. ("In a ROW?")
"How good are you at trivia, Youhas?"
"Mostly good. Though when I fail, I try to fail with STYLE."
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In high school: "I could see myself settling down with someone like you someday."
Intended as a compliment. But it read as "I have a LOT of hot guy boning to address first. But once I want a boring sexless marriage? I'll look you up!"
That is not a "compliment" one cherishes.
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I grew up watching the 49ers stack up Super Bowl wins. Since then, I've seen the Giants win three(!) World Series and the Warriors sandwich championships around the "unbreakable" record for victories in a season.
The 49ers sucked last weekend! But on balance, eh, this is fine.
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Is the new Quantum Leap flawless? Lord no.
Can I iterate things I'd change, were I at the helm? Trivially.
Am I gonna gnash my teeth, and weep bitter tears about it? Naw.
It's more episodes than the zero I anticipated. And if they despoil my memory? My brain can de-exist them.
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Wonder if I'd get in trouble for bike-locking the gates of the complex pool.
Pool party is WAY over the number of allowed guests. Which they would know, were they residents - which they are not. Complain and no one from the office shows. I'm just gonna start charging exit fees.
On account of my birthday coinciding with Tuvalu Independence Day, I decided to celebrate the experience by creating Tuvalu Field!
Built in 203X by an eccentric billionaire, they upgraded the airport and constructed a stadium, in hopes of keeping themselves afloat....
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Why is the city of Vallejo pronounced "half-Spanish" style?
In one tongue, it'd be "va-YAY-yo". In the other? "va-LEDGE-oh".
I assume the real reason is "because we've always done it that way", or possibly "shut up." But it IS weird.
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"Hey, love. Have I ever accidentally blurted out 'porkchop sandwiches!' while racing to another room? Because I PROMISE there's a good reason for that."
m.youtube.com/watch?v=z8K08A
("Porkchop Sandwiches" starts around 3:40. All couple dozen parody PSAs can be watched down in ~15m.)
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"Okay: you got a Cup O' Soup, a'ight? And a box of Rice-a-Roni, right? Instead of putting water on that before you microwave it, use the damn wine! Boom shakalalaka: that is a RISOTTO, son!"
I fear for so many post-peak-COVID cookbooks.
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"What nascent industry today will become commonplace in 30 years?"
I gotta assume that at some point, marijuana legalization and Big Agriculture will collide. Where in 2052, Philip Morris will be selling Marlboro Greens from every auto-scan street kiosk and delivery drone.
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"You'll be a conservative when you get older! Just you wait!"
Meanwhile, in reality: pretty sure I've gotten more liberal with every passing year. Forgiving student loans would've stung the day after I'd paid mine off. Now? The hell do I care. Get your education comped, go nuts.
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nooo one
blows like Gaston
churns and grows like Gaston
where he'll make landfall, nobody knows but Gaston
for there's no storm that's named quite as manly,
perfect, but will he be strong?
will you have to flee with your whole family?
or just move the furniture off of the lawn?
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A weather system in the Atlantic Ocean developed into Tropical Storm Gaston on Tuesday afternoon, becoming the seventh named storm of the 2022 hurricane season. nyti.ms/3QY7yks
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"Come on up on the couch, kitten! Come on up!"
[cat made of neutron star jumps up and stands on me with stiletto paws]
"IT IS POSSIBLE I REGRET EVERY LIFE ACTION PRIOR TO THIS MOMENT"
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Imagine a state where the capital was Santa Cruz. I know: bear with me.
And the second largest city? Benicia.
Only there was NOTHING in between. No suburbs. No bland corporate buildings. No Shake Shacks. No ANYTHING.
That state is Wyoming. Look up the populations! They match.
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Today is Amy Schneider Day in Oakland! has made our city proud as the first transgender contestant as well as the winningest woman and second-longest winning streak ever! & Amy doesn't just say she's from Oakland, she shouts it! Oakland ❤ you Amy!
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And that is my tale about the longest I have never eaten, excepting water and Diet Coke. 11am on a Tuesday through 2pm on a Thursday. 😕 /10 /end
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So I had In-N-Out in Bishop, or Barstow, or somewhere of that ilk. The best Double-Double I have ever had! 9/
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(If I'd known that earlier, I would've audibled, exited, and consumed multiple diner dishes in Pahrump.)
But finally - finally! - the traffic started flowing, in the early afternoon. And my body was like YOU ARE DYING; PLEASE FIND ANYTHING. 8/
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Checked out of the hotel. Hit the road! Unfortunately, the road was not moving. "A mysterious white powder spilled on I-15. So we are routing the entire interstate traffic down The Strip." 7/
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Everything is closed. There's nowhere TO eat. I don't wanna double back out for some Taco Bell. But it's okay. "I'll be back on the road in the morning. I am STARVING. But I can fix that immediately in the morning." 6/
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