Shel the Jellicle Pup

Lashon Hara (lit. "Evil Tongue") is to say negative things about someone, particularly about their misdeeds, which are completely true, but you're not trying to accomplish anything useful by saying it.

It's not Libel. Libel is spreading untrue things about someone in order to hurt their reputation. Lashon Hara, by definition, is completely true and the intent of hurting someone's reputation isn't necessary for Lashon Hara.

It's not gossip pe se. Gossip talking about people behind their back. There's legitimate reasons to talk about someone behind their back, & benign gossip. Talking about someone's break-up isn't Lashon Hara, it's just gossip. Lashon Hara doesn't have to be behind someone's back.

"Whisper campaigns" to warn other women in an industry that a certain prominent man is dangerous, is not Lashon Hara. You're accomplishing something useful. Lashon Hara is never useful, it is only harmful.

Telling stories about wild drama from the past isn't necessarily Lashon Hara. Lashon Hara is never anonymous. If you anonymize the story, it's fine to get drunk and talk shit.

Speaking out against a dangerous person because they refuse to be held accountable and now you're resorting to this. Speaking out against the misdeeds of public figures. This is not Lashon Hara. Lashon Hara is not intended to hold someone accountable or create good in the world.

"One time, Elliot misgendered Sara", but this was 3 years ago and Elliot already apologized to Sara and she forgave him. It's resolved. There's no need to talk about it anymore. This is Lashon Hara.

Real life example: Got told by someone about the time a friend of mine got into a weird facebook argument over cranberry sauce and they got too heated.... I was like "OK.... are you expecting me to make fun of my friend or... what.... what's the intent here"

"I just think Elliot is like, SO annoying, don't you?" is Lashon Hara. This isn't about what Elliot does that's harmful or disruptive, or how to get Elliot to be better. It's just about shit-talking them for funsies.

Vindictive call-out posts over fetishes, QT-dunking to amuse your followers, bringing up someone's bad take from 4 years ago that they don't uphold today. This is Lashon Hara. WHAT are you accomplishing with this toxic behavior. This is not how we hold people accountable.

It's not that what they did isn't bad, it could be something really bad and harmful and shitty, but like... why are we talking about it... are we actually addressing the problem behavior and fixing it? Did it get resolved already?

Why is it forbidden by Jewish law to spread Lashon Hara? Because historically we lived in small close-knit communities, and in order to function and coexist and be healthy, we _need_ to know that it's possible to atone for our misdeeds, be forgiven, and move on from it.

If people feel like one mistake is something they'll never live down, they get paranoid, anxious and defensive. Why admit to doing something if nobody will ever forgive you for it. It would always be safer to deny it in that situation. People would feel the need to be perfect.

Today, a lot of us live in close-knit trans and queer communities where that very problem is prevalent. I don't need to describe at length the intense paranoia people in our community feel. Everyone is terrified of making a mistake and it following them forever and ever

Lashon Hara is a common tactic of abusers. Those people who say Lashon Hara all the same are called Baalei Lashon Hara ("Lords of the Evil Tongue").

What better way to isolate someone than to convince them that everyone around them is a bad person, while simultaneously telling everyone around them that *they're* a bad person. The only person you can trust becomes the Ba'al Lashon Hara.

So what does avoiding Lashon Hara look like?

1. Before saying bad about someone, ask yourself what you're trying to accomplish, do you have a good reason for spreading this. Was the incident resolved?

2. Ask yourself if the name of the person who did the misdeed is relevant information. Anonymize your stories if they reflect poorly on someone in a way that's unnecessary

I never say full names in my wild stories from college, we all did weird shit in college, the focus here is the drama not who did it. If someone asks me "WHO did this omg" I say "Someone, it's not important."

3. If someone starts telling you some Lashon Hara, ask them "Why are you telling me this?" and if they don't have a good reason, say "Could we talk about something else then?" Don't participate in those conversations.

4. If your goal is to hold someone accountable or warn someone or some other very good reason, ask yourself if the way you're going about this will actually accomplish this goal. Does doing it in public help or hurt your goal? Does being snarky help or hurt?

Has anyone actually confronted this person about their behavior? What will it take for you to stop talking about this incident. This isn't rhetorical, I mean literally decide what's enough so that talking about them is a tool you're only using until you don't need it anymore.

5. Lastly, Spread this practice among your social groups. Tell your friends that you're not going to shit-talk them or smear their name if they upset you. Tell them you'll talk to them first if you hear a rumor.

Forge trust in your communities that you will try to work through and resolve problems. Dis-empower Baalei Lashon Hara by stigmatizing their behavior and telling your friends that you forgive them for what they did, & you trust that they've become a better person than they were.

I hope this thread has been useful to you, and that even if you don't religiously and strictly adhere to this like I do, you've at least gotten some things worth thinking about in terms of your intentions, goals, and impacts when you talk about other people.

addendum: "this person isn't hurting anyone but i just don't like them cuz i think they're annoying and i don't want them to be at the same parties as me so i'm gonna turn everyone against them" is so NOT a "Good reason" to shit-talk them lmao

Addendum 2 re "Actually it serves a good purpose when I do this lol shut up" If it serves a good purpose then it is not lashon hara. This term only refers to the stuff that's useless. It's kind of a tautology. Lashon hara is useless, so if it's useful, it's not lashon hara.

The call here isn't "don't gossip" it's to act with intent and purpose and thoughtfulness. It's not about rules and categorical imperatives it's about mindfulness and effectiveness. Why are you saying what you're saying and what do you want. That's what it's about