Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Comedian

@JustforLaughs

@cbc

@lolnetwork

@TODAYshow

Get my book "Float Like a Butterfly Drink Mint Tea" now available online or in stores across Canada.

Toronto, Canadachapters.indigo.ca/en-ca/books/fl…Joined January 2012

229 Following

926 Followers

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Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Jan 4, 2018

I wrote an article for Vice about quitting booze, coke, weed, caffeine, cigarettes, red meat, dairy, porn, credit cards and gossip. I now have a fedora with a card that says "Press"

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sarah berman

@sarahberms

Jan 4, 2018

maybe you need this @woodcomedy motivation to quit all of your addictions in 2018? vice.com/en_ca/article/

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Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

May 8

The Leafs should have just tanked for Wemby

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 27

Kids today if you yell out "world star" when shit is going down just know we used to yell "JERRY JERRY JERRY" Jerry Springer is in Valhalla

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 25

I miss the days when gaining 20 lbs was GOOD for your comedy career

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 24

Tucker Carlson has been fired

Box and 1

Just farted so loud walking by people taking engagement photos. Nothing more to report at this time.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 18

There will be a Stanley Cup parade in Toronto this year. The Leafs will win the cup. I believe this just like I do every year. For you see, you cannot hurt me. I'm a Leafs fan. I died a long time ago.

I remember when being a comedian meant that you were an insecure nerd and now successful comedians act like invincible sex cowboys

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 13

Raptors fans today: "What are you gonna change your name to?"

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 9

Only days after his indictment the former president is cageside for UFC and seated beside Kid Rock. Real thing that's happening.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 7

Beautiful day My vet: Heartworm season is here

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 6

I definitely would have put this off till 29

Quote Tweet

Bleacher Report

@BleacherReport

Apr 6

Lauri Markkanen will serve in Finland’s military this offseason, which is mandatory for male citizens by age 30 (via @ramonashelburne)

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 3

If the UFC doesn't start having ladder matches this is a big waste

Comics, please stop bringing your notebooks on stage - this isn’t a table read.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Apr 1

The best prank is that it's spelled April Fools' Day

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 31

Of course Toronto rent is high if it's a minefield of random attacks outside your apartment. Duh.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 30

At this point it would be easier for America to just announce the days that don't have a mass shooting

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 29

Someone said it is the east and Juliet is the sun

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 28

Humanity is shit. I'm cheering for the robots now.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 25

If only Jonah Hill was releasing movies in the 1930's

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 24

"The reason my comedy career isn't going as well as it should be is because of (group of people)" -awful comedian

My album is available on all streaming platforms right now! Listen to me yammer on about my ass! Wojtek did the art, Paul Paduch edited and produced it and Ryan Dillon took these photos Click the link to listen! distrokid.com/hyperfollow/dy

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 20

Sleeve tattoos are a great way to show the world your family had too little or too much money growing up.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 19

The Memphis Grizzlies are so unlikeable they make the Warriors look like the good guys.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 15

I'd like to congratulate the Minnesota Vikings for having Aaron Rodgers as their opening day 2024 quarterback.

3 years sober! On my 3rd sober bday, I'll scream: IF YOU'RE IN NEED OF HELP, SAY SOMETHING. Tell a friend, a parent, a brother or sister, a doctor, or even a comedian on social media! #sober #iwndwyt #iwndwytd #iwndwy #sobriety #sobrietyrocks #stopdrinking #stopdrinkingalcohol

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Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 14

Taking an invisible golf swing is the Dad version of shadowboxing

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 12

Someone tell the guy that hates socialism that this book was written by a democratic socialist.

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Dr Jordan B Peterson

@jordanbpeterson

Mar 12

He who controls the past controls the future. George Orwell. 1984. twitter.com/Telegraph/stat…

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 6

This is Toronto Last night my grandpa died. I went to get pizza to cheer me up. I open the door and there is a man taking a full shit inside. Squatting. Pants down. Shitting. Sometimes I feel like my only friend, is the city I live in.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Mar 2

Say what you want about how much stuff is on zoom now but having someone's name directly under the face is amazing.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 28

I can't wait to see Tom Brady crowd work Tik Tok videos "Oh and that's your wife waaaaaaaay on the other side of the table"

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 26

At the dog park. Woman walks in and her dog poops and she doesn't pick it up. Another guy picks it up. I walk up to him and the following ensues. Me:how much do I have to pay you to go hand her the poo. Him: that's my wife. Yeah so I need to never be here again

I could never be an uber driver because it would kill me to not constantly ask "so wait who are you guys talking about?"

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 25

All I see conservatives talk about is food prices. You must like Jagmeet Singh now, right?

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Jagmeet Singh

@theJagmeetSingh

Feb 25

We fought for it – and you stood with us Now, it’s confirmed. Grocery CEOs including Galen Weston of Loblaws have been summoned before Parliament to testify about food prices. It's happening on March 8. I won’t take it easy on them.

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Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 25

Comedy in 2023: fake it till you make it faking it

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 24

My friend has anxiety about where to live in Toronto to keep his family safe. "Statistically you and your wife are far more likely to kill each other" did not help.

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 23

Don't tell Aaron Rodgers this would cost $1900 a month in Toronto

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 22

How will you choose to get around Toronto? TTC and get stabbed in the face? Drive and want to stab someone else in the face?

Alex Wood

@woodcomedy

Feb 21

In 2023 the wackiest comedy show idea is an all material show.