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Strong contender for greatest day-to-day cause of reality distortion: mind projection/typical mind fallacy stuff. The intuition is that intimacy/closeness is about understanding another person, but maybe it’s more about turning off the social auto-smoothing & embracing confusion
I think a lot of people spend much of their social time doing the interpersonal equivalent of checking their reflection in the window while pretending to look through it. The fear of being unloveable seems a lot more common than the fear of being unloving. Why, though?
It actually takes a very strong mental effort to listen to a person you know and love carefully enough to be confused by them. There’s not a lot of attentional bandwidth spare for seeking or providing reassuring cues, which is a bit scary...
... It can also feel intimidating on the other end. We just do not have many interactions with people where it’s clear that they’re applying every ounce of attention and cognitive power toward experiencing us in the highest possible resolution in real time. It’s a bizarre feeling
I think it's important to recognize that our social inattention is functional: it lets us hedge against rejection, allocate attention to safety/acceptance cues, fluidly ignore blunders/save face, etc. But wouldn't it be nice to reach through the buffer a *little* more often?
...keeping a secret is always hard for a loving one.
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