And the therapy to undo it (as much as can be done) is painful and expensive
A kid showed me messages sent by their father after they did poorly on their final exams today. Lots of tears. Fewer parents would do this if they realized that some of these words will get carved in deep, far deeper than the content of education, and none of us chooses which.
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It’s this idea that success can only happen one way. A fixed mindset of a sort
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High risk strategy. Some kids do way better with parents acting like marine sergeant. Some kids become alcoholics or worse from that
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Equating school success with moral success sets 90% of kids up for "failure", just as equating financial success with moral success sets large swathes of the population up for undue dismissal and derision.
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If I ever become a father, perhaps the thing I most aspire to is to be the opposite of this. At final exam age your time horizons are frighteningly and irrationally limited, and it would bring me great joy to even slightly help another human realize that.
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Some times(or often) it changes the personality of the kid entirely! My experience: It made me indifferent towards almost everything(it's good in some context). (1/)
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When I cleared a competitive exam, my parents praised me that I did a great job! I replied "if I hadn't cleared the exam you would have said I didn't study hard or whatever. You care about the projected social statuts of my result and not me!"
End of conversation
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I can't guarantee that my approach/attitude will never change but.. tbh… right now w/my boys I just don't give a good goddamn what grades they achieve. Was a shitty measure of 'worth' for me, still feel that way for them
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I wonder to what extent some of these parents are terrified less of their kids failing than of failing their kids, and can’t tell the two apart. Sad story either way.
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Notable but the idea that a parent can tell which words will sink deep and which will be missed is something that fails to match my experience.
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