Some times(or often) it changes the personality of the kid entirely! My experience: It made me indifferent towards almost everything(it's good in some context). (1/)
A kid showed me messages sent by their father after they did poorly on their final exams today. Lots of tears. Fewer parents would do this if they realized that some of these words will get carved in deep, far deeper than the content of education, and none of us chooses which.
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When I cleared a competitive exam, my parents praised me that I did a great job! I replied "if I hadn't cleared the exam you would have said I didn't study hard or whatever. You care about the projected social statuts of my result and not me!"
End of conversation
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Equating school success with moral success sets 90% of kids up for "failure", just as equating financial success with moral success sets large swathes of the population up for undue dismissal and derision.
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High risk strategy. Some kids do way better with parents acting like marine sergeant. Some kids become alcoholics or worse from that
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an isolated comment here or there is one thing but the continuous combo of shame plus the “you-could-be-doing-soooo-much-better” guilt trip really just grinds you down.
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It’s this idea that success can only happen one way. A fixed mindset of a sort
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If I ever become a father, perhaps the thing I most aspire to is to be the opposite of this. At final exam age your time horizons are frighteningly and irrationally limited, and it would bring me great joy to even slightly help another human realize that.
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It’s hard. Like you say it’s not obvious what sticks and how. I have a lot more empathy for my parents nowadays.
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Inflicting psychological trauma is the main point of schooling and it’s gross.
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Interestingly, the insults of teachers and parents only have an effect because they are viewed as legitimate. Many (most?) public figures endure far worse insults with ease, because the insults aren’t taken seriously.
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