What are the assumptions underlying the construct of blame? Are there any other than ignorance?
When consoling people, I try to avoid saying things like “none of this is your fault” or “there’s nothing you could have done.” Agency for blamelessness is a bad trade. More often than not, it helps most to have friends who see you as strong when you feel your weakest
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These days I usually like to ask "have you considered all options under your control?", started doing this after reading Courage to be disliked
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Suppose someone takes a big even-money bet that a die roll won't be 6, and they lose? Seems legit to console them with "You didn't do anything wrong"?
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People behave in accordance with their expectations. Generally, they're not dealing with decisions with outcomes based entirely on probability and chance, but also on available information. We tend to sympathize more with people whose priors & evidence align with our own.
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Perhaps this is different from what you're talking about, but sometimes people blame themselves for bad outcomes despite having made good decisions, and they need to hear "It's possible to commit no mistakes and still lose"
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Corny though it is, I like to distinguish between responsibility and "response ability"... Usually the person in the crappy situation is the one who ultimately must decide how to deal with it, and take responsibility in that way, whether it's their fault or not.
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I think it’s interesting how different people have sort of different consoling approaches or strategies and friends kinda know (hopefully, in adulthood at least) who to approach for their desired response. I too dislike making faux-assertions and my friends know this about me
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See also: friends saying “wow your (long-term) ex fucking sucked” without considering the implications that makes on the friend’s dating choices Exception: when the ex - and the friends dating choices - truly suck Basically be honest, really
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If you aren't made aware of your mistakes. How can you grow?
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Here's a post (some of my best work so far, people tell me) that lays out a bunch of nuances around what it means to avoid blame & regret without losing your agency & responsibility.https://malcolmocean.com/2017/11/transcending-regret/ …
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