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Viz Comic

@vizcomic

Our readers have understood the concept of Buyer's Remorse since 1979. Digital Sub: zinio.com/gb/viz-m1836 Postal: bit.ly/cBJB6h

Fulchesterviz.co.ukJoined June 2009

1,892 Following

322.2K Followers

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Viz Comic

@vizcomic

Subscriptions >>> shop.viz.co.uk/viz323tw

CYCLISTS can practise on an exercise bike, rowers can practise on a rowing machine, and even tennis players can practise on a Swingball. But there's nothing for us dart players. We have to practise on an actual dart board. D Williams, Donegal

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"I think I should get the parachute because I'm great. In fact, I think I should get both the parachutes, in case one of them doesn’t work”

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@vizcomic

Feb 5

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Magazine Letter: Convince London Cabbies that you're on The Apprentice by putting your mobile phone on speaker and have someone talk absolute bollocks to you about something or other. Alan Saccharin, Wapping

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Icarus thought he was brought down by flying too close to the sun, but of course he wasn’t. He didn’t get anywhere near the sun. He was brought down on account of being a fuckwit with stupid home made wings

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@vizcomic

Feb 4

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Taking the brown bin out. 1. n. Moving your household's dry mixed recycling container onto pavement, ready for collection the next morning. 'I'm just going to take the brown bin out, luv' 'make sure you wash your hands when you're done, dear'. 2. Laying a cable, releasing a brown trout. 'I'm just going to take the brown bin out, luv' 'for God's sake open a window this time. And wash your fucking hands when you're done.'

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How

pollutes your imagination

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You Bastards. I'm just posting a Viz to my son, who's moved to Tokyo, and notice that a C4 envelope is 229 mm wide whereas your comic is 230 mm. The next size envelope is C5, which is too big to go as a large letter. For Fuck's sake, can't you get anything right? I've got an annual Viz subscription for him, and now I'll have to razor the fucking edges off them for the next 12 months. Frederick Feffner, email

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@vizcomic

Feb 2

There's a new issue (Viz 323) in the shops today. Sorry no refunds. shop.viz.co.uk/viz323tw

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@vizcomic

Feb 2

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The word 'wink' is actually a contraction of the words 'weakest' and 'link' in reference to an early 2000s television show where red-headed presenter Anne Robinson first pioneered the ground breaking singular eye closing technique. Pablo Distefano, Liverpoo

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@vizcomic

Feb 1

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SAVE time, money and effort when buying a breadmaker by writing 'Breadmaker' on a cardboard box, leaving it on your worktop and buying a white sliced loaf from the shop instead William Stroker, Derry City

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@vizcomic

Jan 31

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I made a resolution this year to cut down some big old trees and replace them with new, modern, space-saving, energy efficient saplings. We all have to do our bit. Micky Bullock, London

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@vizcomic

Jan 30

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IAM contantly reading about valuable antiques being put under the ham- mer. Wouldn't it be a better idea simply to sell these items, rather than smashing them to smithereens? R Warskyj Dundee

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Jan 29

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Jan 28

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Magazine Letter: These so-called speed humps are a joke. If anything, they slow you down. Time Wakefield, Surrey

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People say special effects are better these days. I disagree. Exhibit A 👇

Quote Tweet

Jed

@Jedshepherd

Jan 24

I post this video every year because it makes me happy. I hope it makes you happy too.

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Jan 27

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A HAPPY New Year greetings card with the 'Y' crossed out makes a great congratulatory card to some- one who has had an ear transplant, or who has recently had a hearing aid installed Simon Hoffman, Pulborough

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Jan 26

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DETER prudish cyber criminals by changing all of your online passwords to profanities, such as 'fuck'. If the website needs capital letters, numbers or special characters, Fuck1! is both memorable and effective. Stephen Cochrabe, Gateshead

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@vizcomic

Jan 25

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THE other day by my 4-year-old boy challenged me to count to 1 million. Can you imagine both his and my disappointment when, at 175,654, I coughed and followed through? Tim Buktu, Timbuktu

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@vizcomic

Jan 24

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Save hot water when taking a bath by filling the empty spaces around you and between your legs with bricks. Jamie Cuffe, Ashby de la Launde

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I remember the Absolutely team once saying that in Frank Hovis they set out to create the most disgusting TV character ever. This one is jaw-dropping...

youtube.com

Frank Hovis - Bath

On the Lavatory with Frank Hovis - Bath, Dicky Tummy

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Jan 23

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Nelson, do a v. When walking the dog, avoiding picking up an egg especially one with a runny yolk - by turning a blind eye your pooch's activity. From Admiral Nelson's famously apocryphal battle cry, viz. "I see no shits".

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@vizcomic

Jan 22

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TRAFFIC lights are a load of bollocks. If you have the common sense to pass your driving test, then you have the common sense to know when to stop and when to go. It's just another example of how our lives are being controlled by ruthless machines. It's like The Terminator all over again. Terry Farricker, Blackpool

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@vizcomic

Jan 21

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Magazine Letter: They say that each cigarette you smoke takes five minutes off your life. But if you would have spent those five minutes smoking, it cancels itself out. So if you can make your piggies last more than five minutes every time you smoke one, you're technically prolonging your life. I think. Ben Nunn,

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Jan 20

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Rope off an empty picture frame and stick some police tape over it so house guests think you've had a priceless painting stolen. Will Mylchreest, Leamingon Spa

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@vizcomic

Jan 19

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one shot one kill 1. n. Motto of snipers in the US Marines. 2. phr. Exclamation after unloading a particular high calibre round from one's pump action shit gun.

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Jan 18

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Jan 17

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Instead of gritting the roads when it snows, why dont the government make roads out of grit so that the snow would instantly melt and everyone could get to work? k Buck, Seaham

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@vizcomic

Jan 16

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I'm beginning to think that the cheetah is a very aptly named animal. I watched one on a wildlife programme today chasing a young gazelle and it blatantly tripped it up to catch it. It was bang out of order. If there was ever some kind of animal Olympics, I'm sure it would have been disqualified and sent back to the Serengeti in disgrace. Leyland Palmer, Twin Peak District

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@vizcomic

Jan 15

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I GOT a random phone call today in which some strange woman started asking me about my having had an accident in the last three years. I don't know which of my mates grassed me up, or maybe someone spotted me throwing the trousers over the garden wall, but calling me up about it is bang out of order. D Smints, Carlisle

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Jan 14

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Jan 13

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Jan 12

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Jan 11

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I WONDER why bluebottles are called bluebottles? They don't look anything like a bottle, although I'll grant you they do have a blue arse. From now on I'm calling them blue arses. Tim Briffa, e-mail

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Jan 10

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Save money on your gas and electricity bills by keeping all of your gas and electric appliances switched off. Col P Fawcett, Durham

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Jan 9

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POLITICIANS. Compensate for the lack of clarity in what you're saying by interjecting phrases like "let me be clear, "I've always been clear" and "I couldn't be clearer" between every incoherent, rambling, lying sentence you deliver to the public. Gaffer, Edinburgh

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I have asked my publisher to use this quote on the paperback edition of my book on the black hole information paradox and emergent spacetime. Thank you ⁦

@vizcomic

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