So C was having drinks with his girlfriend and her female colleagues last night, and one of the ladies opened up about how horrible her last relationship was. C was appalled at the details, while all the women were (ladies, you know it)... completely unsurprised
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I’m tweeting this because here’s an interesting case study of a close male friend we love, who’s always been decent and kind, and yet also always a little ignorant, skeptical, and dismissive about women’s stories and POVs... until last night. Why is that? What changed?
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The first thing he said was, “this guy is a scholar, I expected better from him. He’s so smart, surely he can learn how to be decent.” Alas, friend, it doesn’t work like that. Assholes can be smart, and they know how to maximise the effectiveness of their cruelty
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I think the particular experience he had of being the only person at the table who didn’t really understand how common this is, was particularly jarring for him & while a person shouldn’t have to be kind to be treated with basic decency, I suppose the injustice is more apparentpic.twitter.com/2jdZp6nDIY
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Wife: so... did you think women were exaggerating? C: “I think of it as hyperbole / heat of moment anger - yes. But... on retrospect, that doesn’t make sense...”pic.twitter.com/OMn3DF6rvr
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part of why he’s never really taken this stuff very seriously is that it’s never really appeared on his personal radar (until last night) but it never appeared on his radar because victims don’t approach people who don’t take them seriouslypic.twitter.com/cBK3Kh14IJ
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Wife: now imagine if, instead of you meeting your girlfriend’s friend, you met her shitty abusive boyfriend. Turns out he’s one of your friends! And you don’t know he’s abusive. And he tells you, “damn, C, my girlfriend is a crazy bitch, don’t listen to her.” Wyd? C: nothingpic.twitter.com/46s7TQEL1a
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Btw, I was exactly like C. We grew up together, were the same sort of decent nice guys in the same social circles with the same nerdy interests. We both thought of ourselves as good decent guys. & we fundamentally are, IMO. Only difference is, I learned the ugly truth 5yrs sooner
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It’s not my wife’s job to have this conversation with C. It’s mine. I do believe there are millions of decent guys out there like C - good men who are ignorant bc of the above chicken/egg problem. And it’s not women’s job to find them; it’s ours. And now C has joined the party.pic.twitter.com/95jsNaYdqV
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More about ugly truthshttps://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1074016167759511552?s=21 …
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Btw - re: “scholars should know better and be decent” - here’s a horrible (potentially triggering) story about a professor ruining his student’s lifehttps://twitter.com/visakanv/status/983923082652893185?s=21 …
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C basically just had a “refactoring moment” - the thousands of data points in his head will now be interpreted differently than beforehttps://twitter.com/visakanv/status/1068141753134329864?s=21 …
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