shifting into @harlequinean makes several things uncomfortably clear about my ordinary boy personality, maybe the biggest of which is that i deeply believe that i'm not allowed to be happy or have nice things or even want very much, by default, most of the time
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*but* that if i tried very hard i could arrange specific conditions, mostly involving other people (mostly women) showering me with praise and affection, under which i'm allowed to be happy and that the arranging of these conditions has been my dominant psychological motive
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(maybe it's only women really. i never worry that i won't get praise from men - i get that effortlessly - and affection i never expect and never try for)
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Replying to @QiaochuYuan
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE GOOD YOU DO NOT HAVE TO WALK ON YOUR KNEES FOR A HUNDRED MILES THROUGH THE DESERT REPENTING YOU ONLY HAVE TO LET THE SOFT ANIMAL OF YOUR BODY LOVE WHAT IT LOVES
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Replying to @harlequinean
just for fun i'm gonna try reversing all of these
"i have to be good" yes obviously
"i have to walk on my knees for a hundred miles through the desert repenting" also yes
"i can't let the soft animal of my body love what it loves" of course
ow3 replies 1 retweet 23 likes -
Replying to @QiaochuYuan @harlequinean
i've run into this deep sense of guilt a few times before and never really known what to do with it. there are specific incidents i can point to that trigger it strongly but it feels like it goes back further than any of them
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Replying to @QiaochuYuan @harlequinean
i have done something monstrous and unforgivable. i... am?... something monstrous and unforgivable. i don't know how to forgive myself (i'm not convinced that this feeling is mine
lotta people i could've picked up something like this from)7 replies 0 retweets 29 likes -
Replying to @QiaochuYuan @harlequinean
damn i always felt this way. ime the only way out is in...who or what are you that cannot be forgiven? not an intellectual answer but a perception. hope this helps
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I mean imo it depends on how far you want to go? Going all the way to the bottom of who you are to solve this feels like opening a locked door with a guided missile when lockpicks would suffice imo
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this is an important question ime! when i used lockpicks, new locked doors kept appearing. i had to bomb the place 
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