Feels like you’ve been circling basically the same set of thoughts since I started paying attention, so superficially it looks like stuckness to me, but maybe it feels different?
It’s not a kind of processing I do, so unfamiliar
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You seem to want incredibly specific things out of life, like top 0.1% specificity among people I’ve known
I’m probably the other extreme — content to accept any of a 1000 ways my life could have turned out
I personally find the serenity prayer helpful
Not saying you should be at my end of the spectrum, but IME letting go specificity in what you want helps you see the many other possibilities that could be yours
I mean… a trad farm wife deal with a guy who lifts is… like a vanishingly small fraction of life’s possibilities
Maybe try imagining 10 ways your life could be entirely different from that?
Like could you be like Jane Goodall, studying chimps in Africa?
Sign up for Elon’s moon colony?
Inventor of a new type of pottery?
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Not so much that it’s impossible as simply a form of self-avoidance. You are who you are. You look in a mirror and either see the possibilities of who you are, or all the ways you’re not someone else. The latter just seems odd to me.