Conversation

Just hit me that I don’t judge who people are, I judge who they are becoming. Usually 3-4 years out. If I like who I sense you’re turning into in a few years, I’ll engage. It’s mostly unconscious. Hit rate is decent. I’m right 80% of the time and proof emerges in a few years.
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I’d say I can get a read on change trajectory 70% of the time from 1-2 short conversations. Of that 35% are stable so present=future=uninteresting. Of the other 35%, I’d say 15% are changing into people I’ll like more, 25% into people I’ll like less.
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Sometimes I can explain it upfront. Other times, a data point will emerge 3-4 years later that will make me go “oh that’s why I reacted as I did and disengaged.” I’m wrong about this rarely enough that it is always surprising when I am.
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Of course this is relative to myself and how I’m changing. But I think I don’t change much. Most people seem to be changing a lot faster than me.
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Wayne Gretzky interpersonal relating style. Skate to where the person is becoming, not where they’re be-ing. I’m lazy. I think relationships should be more rewards for less work over time.
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Most people don't seem to know how they're changing. They know what they intend to do, but not how it will change them.
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Replying to
I don't think it's a bad thing when people care more about their actions in the world than some abstract sense of being or remaining 'someone'.
Replying to
Good point. I look back and my arc of change is obvious. But forward, it's a fog. It's easier to read others' change arcs than myself, friends or strangers.