There was a book that was doing the rounds a while back, "the courage to be disliked." It was okay, but I felt meh about it. Too hedgehog. Some sort of humorless, lofty, heretic-contrarian posture of weathering a world of dislike.
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Fine, sure. Do that if you feel like playing martyr. I think it's much more important to cultivate the "courage to like and be liked." And the trick to that is to do it piecemeal. No integrated posture.
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This btw is one reason the idea that people should be able to bring their "whole person" to work or any other situation is fatally flawed. That's asking for universal love. Plan on taking a basket of likable bits of yourself everywhere you go. Can be a different basket each time.
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A lot of the shit I get is due to people I like, and who want to like me back, objecting to the fact that I also seem to like other people (this is not a culture war left/right thing... more granular, often specific, "how can you be friends with X" complaints)
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Like by default, dislike by exception is a good thing to aspire for. Comes very easily to some, and nearly an impossible state to get to for others. Partly a function of early childhood trust experiences etc. Not saying it will be equally easy for everybody.
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I'm probably middle of the curve. Not primed by early experiences to either be a default liker or default disliker. Flip side, I am also roughly neutral between spoiling for fights and serious conflict aversion.
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Okay, maybe I'm mildly conflict averse. And this is probably also why I'm generally interested in conflict strategy, because that's about learning to win without a fight as much as you can, by outmaneuvering Courageous People Spoiling For a Fight.
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Interestingly, there is a strong correlation between inability to like widely, and high ambition. High ambition means you need to marshal ALL your inner resources to do something. Which means brutally cutting down and colonizing your Inner Amazon Rainforest.™
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That's a subject for another day. How to Make a Dent in the Universe Without Being an Asshole Who Thinks Everybody is an Asshole.
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Late footnote. The main reason to like more people is you'll generally be happier and more effective in your own life. If you're thinking of it as some sort of strenuously acquired capacity for Buddhist altruistic loving kindness you're doing it wrong.
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There's an honest Teenage love story aspect to this.
In trying to be wholly likable, Arnold fails in getting Winnie to like him but in accepting that there were unlikable parts of him makes him easier to like...
kinda like perfection is the enemy of good enough
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thank you for this thread! the possible correlation between being highly ambitious & tending to dislike people is interesting. in my case it's the reverse—I honestly like the majority of people I meet, & I see myself as unusually ineffective. will have to think more about that!


