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36. i really wish i had separated out this anger thing into its own thread so i could add stuff to it later but too late, switching to fear now fear is a tricky one for me to talk about because i bet other people (women, PoC) experience a hell of a lot more of it than i do
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37. i am lucky enough to not feel or be in actual physical danger hardly ever, and i am *still* often crippled by fear, esp. of rejection my fear feels "young" to me; feels like it comes from the youngest parts of me still afraid of my parents or teachers or the other kids
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38. in my experience fear is often being suppressed by shame. it's depressingly common to be shamed for being afraid of things growing up and that shit sticks hard. it really sucks b/c meanwhile fear can genuinely be such a valuable indicator that something might be actually bad
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39. it can be really valuable to pay attention to subtle fears you have about other people in particular, esp. people you feel like you have no obvious reason to be afraid of; that can be an indicator you're picking up on subtle but real emotional stuff in them
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40. (or it could be projection, or a mix of both, none of this stuff is hard-and-fast) there just are people out there who are fucked up and will hurt you if you get close to them and do a good job disguising this on paper; it's okay to be afraid of them w/o a legible reason
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41. a lot of what i work with in clients and myself is fear of the internal world generally. people are so afraid of their own minds and bodies. there's so much pain and trauma there that we weren't taught how to look at. breaks my goddamn heart. so much more is possible here!
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42. self-fear can manifest in subtle ways. some signs you're heading near internal territory you're terrified of: suddenly feeling sleepy, getting confused, losing focus, holding your body very still and breathing very shallowly, losing short-term memory, going nonverbal
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43. normally people avoid the things they fear, and this can often be healthy and the right choice, *and* some people are so paralyzed by fear that they say "fuck it" and become counterphobic and actively seek out things that terrify them / remind them of their past traumas
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44. counterphobia can be retraumatizing but it demonstrates something important: fear doesn't compel you to avoid something. you can even learn to enjoy the experience of fear, esp. once you've seen how much you can grow from staring squarely at what you're afraid of
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