Apparently there’s a problem with Twitter jail - it’s not punitive enough. They find that when people get banned, their phone cameras fill up with pictures of surfing and cool parties and they never come back.
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Apparently Jack Twitter and his staff were unwittingly teaching people how to quit Twitter! That’s when they started selecting and training the Double Triples.
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First they identified the most attention-hungry culture war bluechecks. E-book merchants, activists, journalists, psychology professors - all were considered, as long as they had at least one undiagnosed personality disorder.
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From the FOLLOWERS of these bluechecks were chosen the Double Triples: accounts with double-digit followers and triple-digit tweets-per-day. Thousands of them began an intensive program of training.
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Training was grueling. They learned to infer the culture war meaning of the settings on hotel gym equipment. They learned to infer the culture war meaning of a Brussels sprout. They watched the news on real televisions.
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Failure was frequent. A single interesting tweet would put you on probation. And come up with an original idea? You’re out of the Double Triples for good. Still, thousands managed to complete the training successfully.
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Now you’ll never know for sure if you’re banned from Twitter. Instead of notifying you of an infraction, Twitter will secretly replace 10% of your mutuals with undercover Double Triples. Screw up again - 20%. And so on.
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Some say all this has already happened, many times. Some say the world ended in 2012 and we have been living in a computer simulation ever since. It’s impossible to know for sure.
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But, just for fun, you might sometimes post a picture of a fire hydrant, or a hamster, or a cool old lady smoking a cigarette and calmly smiling, and see if any of your followers can tell you the exact culture war meaning of these things. END
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Your civil disobedience pin is hereby revoked
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