How much should I slack off at my office job? 20%?
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What I should I focus on getting work in on http://freelancer.com , given a mediocre pure education background in CS and IT with no certs, no experience, and I suck at self-marketing (entirely incompetent; anti-competent really)
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Javascript
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What is the mediocre but safe investment portfolio?
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Index funds
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is there any essential distinction between being mediocre and just being shitty?
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Absolutely. Being actually shitty takes almost as much effort as being excellent.
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Burn some bridges
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