Sure! Basically, in a marriage, you’re going to have to deal with the costs incurred by your partner’s mistakes. THEY forgot something, THEY messed something up, you did your part but THEY didn’t. This is painful and frustrating
It will become easy to get angry & frustrated with your partner - especially since you’re in such close proximity and your actions impact each other so much. So you need a system to acknowledge, address and resolve all this pain and resentment. IMO this is more intimate than sex
I’m not saying I’m an expert. I just have some experience to share. Nobody’s perfect. But if you want a good shot at making things work you gotta do your due diligence & check in, regularly, even when you’re tired, especially when it’s hard. It’s very easy to overlook this
"The problem most people have with marriages that fail is that they go in thinking, "This person will make me happy." The fuck they will."
"You aren't signing on for happiness. You are signing on for sharing human life, and a human life is a complete chaotic crazy mess."
There’s a death spiral that goes like this:
1. you’re tired so you hit snooze on difficult conversations
2. your backlog from 1 is overwhelming
3. You start spacing out in each other’s presence (how was your day? fine). life is now a series of chores
4. The “spark” is gone
5. Since it’s all chores and the spark is gone, you’re subtly colder and more uncharitable towards each other. You’re both play-acting corporate shells at this point and it’s very unpleasant. Fight over trivial thing like dishes or laundry
6. Everything gets worse; cycle worsens
So the meta skill is to recognise that this is a spectrum. I think it was Esther Perel who said “you gotta know how to bring it back”. This is likely unique to each couple. But you can see it: how open and psychologically/emotionally intimate people are with each other
Just to emphasise: we never root for any relationship to fail. Life is hard and love is precious, and we want all of our friends to flourish and be happy. It’s just unfortunate that people are so often unprepared for the work. May you all nourish + be nourished in every way ❤️
I think my strategy is to produce content that draws wise people to me so I can lean on them for wisdom and focus on being a childish idiot as I get older