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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    2. velj

    Entered the Vochlea Dubler Studio Kit music contest with my live looping cover of 99 Red Balloons. Please take 30 seconds and click a vote for my video if you feel so inclined. I would appreciate it very much. I’m the guy in the hat with the map behind me.

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  2. ME: What’s this? *points to picture in menu* WAITRESS: Big Ol’ Bayou Breakfast. ME: Wow. Please tell Big that I accept the offer.

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  3. 2. velj

    *sees a Facebook add for a build-your-own wooden hurdy gurdy kit* HONEY! REMEMBER HOW WE WERE TALKING ABOUT WHAT TO SPEND OUR TAX REFUND ON?...

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  4. 2. velj

    “Nobody likes a sore loser.” - school bully to the school leper

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  5. 31. sij

    Someone asked me what I was going to do when I retired someday. I was like, “prolly just read articles about colon health and tip waitresses with 2 dollar bills, idk.”

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  6. 31. sij

    It’s so weird when the windshield wipers are moving in time with the music. Also, who brings windshield wipers to a concert, anyway?

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    It’s hard to imagine loving another person as much as I love farting in bed.

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  8. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    29. sij

    These impeachment hearings are like if Sesame Street was trying to figure out if Cookie Monster ate all the cookies

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  9. 29. sij

    As someone whose legs make up 7/8 of my total height, my nightmares all begin with my elementary school gym teacher announcing the sit & reach exam.

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  10. 29. sij

    FRIEND: So where’d you get the idea for this boomerang for narcoleptics? ME: It came to me in a dream.

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  11. 28. sij

    DJ Khaled has a Starbucks in his basement where he plays barista. “CARAMEL LATTE...FOR DJ KHALED!” He yells. “THIS IS FOR THE LOVE OF HIP HOP AND THAT DANK ETHIOPIAN ROAST! DJ KHALED!” “DJ KHALED!” His wife yells from upstairs. “TIME FOR DINNER, DJ KHALED!”

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  12. 26. sij

    I really felt like a conduit for change today, as I drank a cup of coffee while peeing.

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    There are currently three types of video game: 1) you are a special fighting shootboy who shoots things 2) oh I get it, it's a metaphor for depression 3) nintendo

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    25. sij

    Once upon a time, this guy id been flirting with came over to watch Shrek 2 with his arm around me until 5 AM and then just promptly left, leaving me more bamboozled than any other man ever has. This is what I now call "getting Shrek 2ed", my contribution to the English language

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  15. 26. sij

    ME: But Lord, there was only one set of footprints. LORD: Look closer. There’s also a sweet set of chicken footprints. ‘Twas then that I was...wearing new CHICKEN STILTS. *turns to camera* Have u ever wanted 2B taller & also make it look like u have li’l chicken feet? Try chicke

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  16. 25. sij

    My wife keeps trying to convince me to move to Italy. She promises to visit once a year.

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  17. 23. sij

    Went to a clinic to learn about jazz comping. Apparently, it’s where they offer you free parking in exchange for playing jazz.

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  18. 22. sij

    My daughter started Suzuki lessons a few years ago, and now she’s riding Harleys too.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    🎶You say “potato” and I say “potato!”🎶 🎶You say “potato” and I say “potato!”🎶 🥔 Potato! 🥔 Potato! 🥔 Potato! 🥔 Potato! 🎶We said “potato” four times!🎶

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  20. 22. sij

    READY FOR A TRICEP TRANSFORMATION? GO TO THE BATHROOM, GRAB SOME TP AND PUT RICE IN THE MIDDLE OF IT.

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