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(also applies to households, not just 2-person relationships. what's going on with our current processes, annoyances, opportunities, challenges, as they relate to our shared vision for this household? what story should we tell together about the issues that came up last week?)
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56/ I'm currently drawn to the idea that a relationship should aspire to be a Live Player (= able to do things you have not done before): https://medium.com/@samo.burja/live-versus-dead-players-2b24f6e9eae2 … which requires an ongoing practice of active observation together, and building new shared models of what's going on
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55/ I think the "relationship escalator" complaint is right, but the blog post (link) doesn't carve reality at the joints. My favored lens: *cargo-culting* commitment mechanisms (by following a social template not fueled by your own felt desires) is badhttps://solopoly.net/2012/11/29/riding-the-relationship-escalator-or-not/ …
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Another related tweet & threadhttps://twitter.com/webdevMason/status/1180693554164883461 …
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54/ I highly recommend *building something* with a primary partner. Extremely rewarding. Compounding returns. It does NOT have to be a household, or "a family"=kids. You can build a friend group, a subculture, a shared financial base, anything really.https://twitter.com/simonsarris/status/1182342847661576192 …
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Step two: make the key distinctions:
desire/wanting
to have done differently
is NOT
negative judgment
of me by others
NOR
debt incurred
on some ledger of worth/value, that I now need to make up (through self-flagellation, or future even-more-frantic striving)Prikaži ovu nitHvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
Step one: validate that I *actually do wish* I could've been closer-to-perfect. That I *in fact could've* gotten more of what I want, if I had been superhuman. That it's OK & good to wish I had been able to protect all my loved ones, drop none of the balls, make no sacrifices.
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Look - if you're trying to cheer me up (or another overachiever) when I feel inadequate / low-self-worth:
"don't worry, you're doing fine"
"sounds like you really *wanted* to have done better"Prikaži ovu nitHvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
53/ It feels taboo to admit that I actively value being *legible* to my extended family, and so I structure my romantic life around a primary partnership in part *due to* this factor. I don’t feel this as pressure or shame. I don’t feel I’m “not being myself” around them.
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52/ If your family unit has any poly links, I recommend coming up with a legible approximately-mono-passing cover story of who’s dating who. When to present the cover story vs full story is your own collective choice, but *having* the cover story makes this choice meaningful.
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51/ If you’re considering whether it’s a good idea to date someone, don’t just consider your “vibe” with them (how you feel one-on-one). Also consider “structural” aspects: what role do you/they want in your life, and how does that fit with your other priorities and loved ones?
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50/ If you’re considering welcoming in a new house member, also ask about any loved ones of theirs who would hope to be closely involved! If you accept this person to live with you, you also will need to accept or painfully reject those close home-life-collaborators of theirs.
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49/ Relatedly: don’t *just assume* close partners & friends want to be spared the annoyance. That logistics should stay in the “private channel/chat” for rent-paying room-havers only. They may deeply crave to be included in all that!
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48/ You can separate “has a room at this house” from “coordinates home life with this household” There’s something very intimate about being involved in the minutiae of housing together, down to messes and leaky faucets and where’s-my-phone Non-rent-payers can be this involved!
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47/ If your partner ever hosts other partners in their room, I recommend each partner getting their own designated bin or drawer for any of their stuff. Personally, I feel jealous when I unexpectedly come across a third person’s stuff in a space that otherwise feels partly mine.
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46/ Having separate rooms as a committed couple is commonplace among my friends, and drastically underrated in the broader population. I mean “room”=“bedroom”, but the key is having one’s own private space to retreat to. I imagine a “man cave” or personal art studio is similar.
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cc some people I know who've been in/near SF and might know sincere, intellectual, good communicators who would be a great fit:
@nayafia@andy_matuschak@s_r_constantin@SamoBurja@devonzuegel@KevinSimler@juliagalef@rivatez@LauraDeming@starsandrobots@timhwangPrikaži ovu nitHvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi -
my house in SF is looking for a new housemate! description here: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1iBFiTDQ9REG8VQNP55-H5HL_nSJnm8_5pZs59Ff3azY/edit?fbclid=IwAR387Dsv8tahoN8fYMDFZNrVwgoX6SFwtruw83QPvEkuQKsRPpSZSMgiAPE … if you know someone who might get along with us, please reach out!
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Hvala. Twitter će to iskoristiti za poboljšanje vaše vremenske crte. PoništiPoništi
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45/ I haven’t yet nailed “no uncertainty about whether I’ll eat a warm healthy dinner” as a thing households can provide. But it affects mood/feel greatly. When we hold events, I make an effort to provide hot dinner food when I care lots about the feel and outcome of the event.
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