tomwithfivems

@tomprters

Comedy / The Tills / Hard Times

thehardtimes.net/author/tom-pet…
Joined September 2012
48 Photos and videos Photos and videos

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  1. 5 hours ago

    I don’t know who needs to hear this but black cherry white claw tastes like big mac sauce.

    Undo
  2. Jul 16

    Today I finally accepted that I learned the “Story of a Girl” solo from Guitar Player magazine for nothing.

    2 likes
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  3. Jul 11

    In Australia, “blooming onion” actually just means “fucking onion.”

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  4. Jul 9

    I’m beginning to wish the old white guy playing blues at this bar didn’t woke up this morning.

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  5. Jul 7

    Nominating as Maurice Gibb for the inevitable Bee Gees biopic.

    1 like
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  6. Jun 29

    Wow, employees are still not getting it. Just had a woman ask me if I wanted to “step outside” because I refused to put my single beer can in a bag. Wish they would put this wasteful policy to bed.

    1 reply
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  7. Jun 28

    “I’ve just got a lot in my bowl right now.” - my dog explaining why we haven’t hung out lately.

    2 likes
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  8. Jun 21

    I’ll never be “puts Incubus on the jukebox so I can aggressively air-drum the whole song” confident.

    1 reply 3 likes
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  9. Jun 20

    I’ll never be “Goodwill asking me to round up” confident.

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  10. Jun 14

    I’m caught off guard by the “what’s your greatest weakness” interview question every. Single. Time.

    2 replies 3 likes
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  11. May 29

    This was fun as hell!

    This week of the podcast we have a 1-on-1 episode between and the hilarious !
    1 like
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  12. May 16

    Oh man I feel for anyone who has a show tonight.

    1 like
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  13. May 16

    OR, and hear me out, none of it means anything.

    Becoming one with Wes Anderson's cinema family means debunking archetype and really putting one's skills to the test.
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  14. May 16

    Me: green new deal/universal healthcare would be too costly to ever make sense. Also me: the trade war is important and sacrifice is necessary for long term change. I’M KIDDING, I value human life.

    1 like
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  15. May 13

    I’ve changed my mind, I actually don’t miss shared cultural experiences.

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  16. May 11

    Maybe for some.

    . spoke with with composer Justin Hurwitz about and yes, the theremin is every bit as difficult to play as you would imagine.
    1 like
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  17. May 10

    MISSOURI: “We have the most restrictive abortion laws in the country.” GEORGIA: “Hold my film industry.”

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  18. May 4

    No one: Rich lady who I’m delivering groceries to: asks me if I have plans for a 3-minute horse race later today

    1 like
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  19. Apr 30

    Definitely a weird choice for the Sonic trailer to use “Amish Paradise.”

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  20. Apr 15

    I’ll never be “planning a cruise on FaceTime in the gym locker room” confident.

    2 likes
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