Before I lost my virginity I would've been considered involuntarily celibate, but it was almost entirely because of issues I knew I had and had to deal with, and not some conspiracy by the opposite (or in my case same) sex to cockblock me.
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I grew up aware of AIDS and abuse and abortion long before I knew about making love and intimacy, which frankly fucked me up and made me afraid of getting laid.
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It was tough not fully realizing I was gay until college because I had legitimate crushes on female students which never went anywhere. I had friends who believed I only thought I was gay because I struck out with women.
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There were indeed times when I did think the world was misandrist, because I was an uninformed teen not fully aware that Legally Blonde was a comedy and not a blueprint for Hillary's America.
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I did not lose my virginity until I was 33. In the most "it's not the heat it's the humidity" fashion, the intimacy of my first major hookup, no matter how fleeting, was the best part of it. I did have that morning after "birds are singing" feeling.
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There doesn't seem to be a good way of saying "I'm very fortunate and lucky not to have been taken advantage of" because I don't want to offend or trigger those who have been through that agony.
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Other factors of my celibacy included living with my parents, and in a place while close to a major gay metropolis, is definitely not said gay metropolis. There still seems to be a large closet and other barriers separating the South Jersey gay community from each other.
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My loneliness peaked between 2014 and 2016, right after I turned 30. I became very depressed when gay marriage was legalized, and the death of my only gay relative and the Pulse shooting came within two weeks of each other.
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I am very fortunate to those in the LGBTQ community that I have grown to known in real life and online, and going out and more importantly getting out there really helped as well. You helped me become a better person.
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I'm moving to Philly once I can secure full-time employment, and continue my growth to live my best life. My high functioning autism and my depression have been obstacles, but are now ones I can live with and handle much better.
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In conclusion, I realized that I had to be in charge of my sexuality and my life, but in a wholly responsible manner. I was incel for a long time, but it was not a cross to bear, just one more thing I had to navigate and finally move on from.
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