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  1. Pinned Tweet
    11 Jan 2017

    The only thing better than making people laugh through comedy is making them angry. Stoked to see the comments on my latest article.

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  2. Retweeted

    It is with a heavy heart I must announce that today I learned several people I considered friends are, in fact, users of Android phones. I’m sure you can imagine my pain and humiliation. Be honest with each other, you guys. And also, trust, but verify.

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  3. Retweeted
    Feb 3

    straight up thank you for all your endless support, man. means a lot.

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  4. Retweeted
    7 Oct 2018

    It's weird that some say "they paid the ultimate price" when a person dies because to me the ultimate price is $420,311.69

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  5. 7 Oct 2018

    Update: about an hour later and I’m still starving whilst actively not shitting my pants

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  6. 7 Oct 2018

    This whole Kavanaugh confirmation is a real inspiration to predators everywhere

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  7. Retweeted
    6 Oct 2018

    A guarantor form is a legally binding document that ensures my land lord gets paid, and that I’m a long way away from earning my father’s respect.

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  8. 7 Oct 2018

    I ate vegetables and shit for breakfast because I’m getting fat and want that to stop.

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  9. 3 Oct 2018

    Am I about to get back into twitter? Probably not.

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  10. Retweeted
    10 Mar 2018

    If you can’t handle me at my 0 RT / 0 ❤️, you don’t deserve me at my 0 RT / 3 ❤️

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  11. Retweeted

    BREAKING: Oscars to Add Local Scene to In Memoriam Reel

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  12. 4 Mar 2018

    The Oscars are almost over and I haven’t even seen yet what gives

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  13. 9 Feb 2018
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  14. 4 Feb 2018

    Fuckin Chef Steve and his badass super bowl party 2018. @ Loudoun County, Virginia

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  15. 2 Feb 2018

    My Chemical Romance > The Misfits DONT @ ME

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  16. 2 Feb 2018

    Watching live channel before work in the morning rules because to face the day I need to see at least someone get dismembered in order to be remotely joyful

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  17. Retweeted
    2 Feb 2018

    Steve Bannon woke up today and saw his shadow, which means 6 more weeks of flu season

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  18. 1 Feb 2018

    I’m a loser and tagged the wrong account for because I tweeted this while hiding from my boss at work. Plz forgive me I’m not a poser I promise

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  19. 1 Feb 2018
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  20. 31 Jan 2018
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  21. 30 Jan 2018

    Yo where can I get one of those hats?

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