The DadKonto zweryfikowane

Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight? Dad: *nudging me* that should've been you Me: Not now Dad Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they? Me: Dad, there's a medical emergency happening right now Dad: Go and see if "what up guys" helps

Forget astrology. The tagline of the #1 movie at the box office the day you were born, that determines your fate from now on

God: what are they doing down there? Angel: they are making milk from almonds God: what?! I gave them, like, 8 animals to get milk from A: they dont like that milk God: [mockingly] tHey DonT LiKe THat miLk *flips a table*

I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn't just do a choreographed musical number called "I Just Can't Wait To Be King".

I wish horses knew that every person who drives by them says, "Oh look. Horses."

My parents used to tell me I played too many video games and I never realized until I had children of my own just how wrong they were. I played the right amount and as a result none of my kids can touch me when it comes to Super Smash Bro

By the age of 30 you should have: A dog Anxiety A dog with anxiety

Prepare your kids for social media by putting their artwork on the fridge and writing a bunch of mean comments under it.

[modifying my son’s Super Soaker] Wife: take the pointy thing off Me: it’s a bayonet & absolutely not

My kids are so open to experiencing culture. They’ll try anything, from chicken tenders at a Mexican restaurant to chicken tenders at a Mediterranean restaurant

Being married is mostly pointing out that the other person is always using their phone during the small window where you’re not using yours.

Why are kids obsessed with toy tools and toy appliances? Like buddy this is the one time in your life you don’t have to do shit, why you wanna pretend to repair the washing machine and cook fake pancakes?