Ecstatic nerd in nerd cave freaking out over being in Star Wars canon while family sleeps. Holy shit! #TheMandalorian
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Brian Posehn
@thebrianposehn
Comedian, Actor, Writer, Giant Idiot. Big Bang Theory, The Mandalorian, Mr. Show, New Girl, The Sarah Silverman Program, Just Shoot Me & much more.
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One of the hardest times I’ve ever laughed was during the Bob Saget Roast as ate it on purpose, gleefully digging in on a bit that the live audience wasn’t buying. Meanwhile, the other comics and myself were in tears and in awe of one of the funniest humans ever.
Aww man, not George. I grew up watching him, total old school charm, effortless comedic timing. Doing scenes with him was one of the highlights of my life, but getting to know him a little and making the legend laugh was even cooler. I’ll miss you, sir. RIP George Segal.
My 12 year old has a friend over. They are currently listening to Iron Maiden and playing Halo. I will be accepting my Father of the Year award in a “Who Farted?” T-shirt and an open bathrobe.
Turned fifty-two. Decided to start saying “Oh. Look at that” whenever food is placed in front of me.
We’ve been comedy pals since grunge and dial up, me and the little fella would travel all over the west coast listening to mix tapes I made and making Steven Seagal jokes. Love these two hilarious humans with all of my Ice Troll heart. Fun to hang and watch them crush last night.
After 2 weeks of multiple health screens and asking everyone to quarantine, I surprised my closest inner circle with a trip to a private island where we could pretend things were normal just for a brief moment in time.
Fuck this timeline. Definition of gut punched. I feel like I just lost my cool uncle. My cool uncle that was also the best rock drummer to ever live. So sad there will never be Rush 50, still thought I’d see them one last time in Toronto doing a one off. RIP Neil Peart
For the first time in fifteen months, I’m in a hotel room about to eat Mexican food on a hotel bed in my underwear. Comedy is back, everyone.
Is there footage of Tomi Lahren getting water thrown at her? Asking for a masturbating friend.
If someone makes you have unwanted sex, it’s rape, right? So, what is it if someone makes you have an unwanted child? Asking for a friend(all women).
Aw man. I fucking loved that dude. I’ll never see him in an airport and talk shit about Stamos again. What a kick in the gut. RIP Bob Saget. Loved you, sir. My heart breaks for and , so sorry, fellas.
The brand new 7-11 near me is so nice it’s weird. The parking lot isn’t even sketchy yet. I might start stabbing people and giving out hand jobs. #doingmypart
Hey Tacoma, totaled the family van last night. I’m still coming though, it’ll take more than flipping a car off an embankment and crawling through glass to keep me away from yelling about my genitals on a comedy stage. See you tonight if I make this flight. Oh yeah, buy .
Nooo. I loved Leslie Jordan. RIP. We did scenes together a million years ago in a zombie western comedy and he was the fucking best.
Yeah? Well, I just farted in a thousand envelopes and sent them to random people and challenged my mom’s ghost to Mario Kart 64.
That dude isn’t married and he only makes babies on his stomach while he’s yelling at porn.
There are hundreds of thousands of butterflies migrating through LA and the valley right now? Not on my watch, I’ll be on Ventura and Balboa with my shirt off handing out butterfly punches til I pass out.
Please excuse one more sappy tweet, but my Nor-Cal Social Worker Lifelong Democrat Single Mom would be so ecstatic about Kamala and Joe right now. Sorry you missed this by ten months, mom.
No. They fucking don’t. It’s as “hands off” as JAWS.
Just cried in a cab in Omaha because my wife had to put our dog Ernie down without me. Now I’m heading to my hotel room to yell at the television like everyone else. Should be a fun show tonight.
Dammit. Again, people, I’m not, nor have I ever been Randy Quaid. I have papers. Look at the difference.
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1st bad take: @thebrianposehn looks absolutely terrible here.
2nd bad take: Well, Northern border security clearly is a bigger issue than we'd been led to believe. twitter.com/CapAm9D/status…
Oh man, this is gonna make people shit themselves. I love these delightful weirdos so much.
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Of course, is hilarious as #MODOK on . It’s as brutal as it is funny. The big surprise, it’s got a sweet heart to it. And I play a hunky Asgardian in episode 6. Fucking typecasting. Walk your dog and start binging.
I didn’t wake up this morning as a person who loves Cardi B and then...
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Hey cops, next time you see a crazy white shooter, like tomorrow, can you pretend they’re a POC with a cell phone and light them up? We white people won’t care, I promise.
56 year old me: Dude, in 2022 there’s a WEREWOLF BY NIGHT movie on TV and it’s really fucking great.
12 year old me: No way. Cooool. How’d I get so fat?
C’mon Bobby! I love you, you genius level goofball. Please pull through!!
I’ve been waiting for heroin to be legal before I tried it. I see you Oregon.
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My book Forever Nerdy is finally available everywhere TODAY. Please check it out. barnesandnoble.com/w/forever-nerd
I blew one dude in a Big and Tall fitting room and no one will let me forget it.
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Ya ever went shopping with your man and fucked in the fitting room?
Uber driver switched Van Halen to the Counting Crows and I laughed because it’s early. Now he turned off Rush and it’s like I’m on a prank show called “Lose Your Fucking Shit!” Gotta breathe.
My son, Rhoads just started watching BETTER CALL SAUL with me. Loves my former boss, . He made custom Lego minis of the cast. From front left to right: Jimmy, Kim, Chuck with Space blanket, Howard, Mike. Back is Nacho and Tuco.
Just in time for this Pink and Ginger Sasquatch to start performing in comedy clubs again. They broke seven needles on me.
Confirming my theory that Kim’s farts are terrible. twitter.com/kanyewest/stat
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I just rolled a natural 4:20. That’s when you’re smoking and you realize it’s 4:20 and you’re an unintentional cliche. And you’re a D&D nerd.
2/2 Fucking furious. She didn’t tell me because she didn’t want to cause a scene. Apparently a dude next to her on a flight when I wasn’t with her pulled the same shit. Dudes, just because you can watch porn everywhere now doesn’t mean you fucking should. Gross and clueless.
Dreams do come true. I wrote an episode of Rise Of The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles. It’s got fighting, pizza and because I wrote it, a Mutant Rock band. Check it out on tomorrow morning. Watch it with your kid or your roommate Dave.
Plus do yourself a favor and pick up ‘s book. One of the funniest things I’ve ever read. I have only called a handful of funny people a genius, he was one of them. I love you, Norm. RIP, you delightful weirdo.
I am a crusty 55 year old nerd who became an Andrew Garfield fan two days ago. Man, it feels real good to love instead of hate, fellow crusty nerds. #3 is a magic number.
Fourth time watching NOBODY. I might rate it even higher than I did on my first viewing. Beyond the “Holy shit, my friend of thirty years is kicking all ass and having a blast”, it’s also a tight screenplay, well directed and full of great performances.And rules!
Also in the tax plan: Smiles are taxed. Mermaid fishing is legal. May 12th is now Mandatory Shoot A Puppy In Its Face Day. Oh, and Mitch McConnell scribbled "rainbows are assholes!" on a Chick Fil A napkin, so that's in there too.
I just came up with a joke that referenced John Wick 3 and A Dog’s Journey and instead of sharing it with all of you I’m just gonna quit comedy.
The answer is all four.
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Babies… funny babies.
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They are playing side one of Rush 2112 in the Bad Daddy’s Burger Bar at the Charlotte Airport and I’m kinda freaking out. I’m wondering how much they’re gonna play. How weird, it stopped at The Temples of Syrinx. Now I have to listen to 2112 on my iPod so I know how it ends.
Honest question, NYC/Brooklyn pals. I’m in Brooklyn right now. Rock bar that will play Rush all night while I drink most of their whiskey suggestions?
You, sir are the best. Thanks so much. Today has been one of the coolest days ever.
I really hope somewhere in Hollywood Glenn Danzig just ran into a recording studio to lay down “Super Blood Wolf Moon”.
Want to feel young again? Smoke weed in front of a Radisson. When the dude reprimands you, I swear you’ll feel like you’re 15 for a whole minute.
Thanks pal, tell your dad a lot of people love him. I think he knows.
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He's going to be okay.
Finally, the silliest thing I’ve ever done premieres today. Check it out.
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In need of a good laugh? Watch the world premiere of @brianposehn's hilarious video for "New Music Sucks" featuring @alyankovic, @pattonoswalt, @falloutboy's @trohman... and is that Miley Cyrus? l8r.it/Wlz1
Miss you. Vinnie. A total monster behind the kit and a blast to hang with. Way too soon, but go be metal gods with your brother. We get it. #ripvinniepaul
Showing your dick should be like pulling out pictures of your dog or kid, you should only do it when someone asks to see it.
Why ask that dipshit eyebrow model a question about rock music anyway? It’s like asking me about all the fuck parties I get invited to.
If said "I'm gonna eat your pussy off", women would swoon. I say it once in a Target and my wife wants a divorce.
Just lost an eBay bid by ten seconds for an action figure of The Dude. And now I just want to go back to bed. I think that’s what The Dude would do. It really would’ve tied my nerd cave together.
On Father’s Day my thoughts are really with all the families now separated by our fucking barbaric and heartless immigration policies. It’s heartbreaking.
In 1998 I booked a guest role on The Closer with this amazing cast. On tape night, I’m in the make up chair between Selleck and Asner. Ed ripped one. A loud one. Tom winced and said, “Jesus, Ed…”. I giggled. Later, Ed played a Nazi in a Sarah Silverman ep I wrote. I love you Ed.
I'm at KISS(packed Staples Center), and no shit, Paul Stanley just brought up the Coronavirus before he segued into "Dr. Love". "People are talking about sickness..." I blacked out for a second and then he said, "we all just need to call Dr. Love."
We’re all gonna be okay, ya’ll.
I’m truly one of our deep thinkers.
Fuck you, Oswald. You haven’t heard the Jay Sekulow Band crush their cover of Boston’s “Long Time”.
My dad bribed my college by promising a new wing to the school, he also had Kurt Vonnegut help me with a paper and when I got injured, he helped my dive team win the championship. Oh wait, my dad died when I was two.
Holy shit, I’m in tears. I love Bumping Mics on . There is nothing funnier than just fucking around with . Two funny friends, one total genius and .
The Peacemaker makes me sad when it ends. Holy shit, I love this show.
This dude says Impossible Burgers are part of an evil plot. Satanic burgers? Metal AF. I should’ve pitched this to @_Brendonsmall for Metalocalypse.
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Rick Wiles is warning you not to eat an Impossible Burger because they are part of a satanic plot to change human DNA and "create a race of soulless creatures on this planet.”
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So sorry to hear about . Just know the Posehn family is rooting for you, you’re a super hero to us. #ThankYouRoman
Wow. 90s grunge comic check list: flannel, backwards cap, pony tail. Dude, is that a swatch? twitter.com/theJPLeonard/s
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I just made fart noises over everything Sarah Sanders just said in a press conference. Alone. For ten minutes. Then I remembered I’m over fifty and I hate politics.
Thinking about my metal brothers and sisters at the Morbid Angel, Skeletal Remains, Revocation show in Belvidere, Il. What a terrifying story. Be safe out there.
Very sad to learn of Ralphie May's passing. We always had a blast, such a nice, funny dude. Another comedy brother taken too soon. RIP pal.
I’m putting my vote in for Oscar host. I think they should get to ask nicely. One more time, Chris?
1/2 Went to Iron Maiden in Portland tonight with my family. My son sat between my wife and I. Dude next to my wife was obviously drunk and annoying, but there’s always “that dude” next to you. My wife just told me he was watching porn on his phone before the band and now I am...
I hope everybody’s favorite jock dicks and bullies beat the other team’s jock dicks and bullies.
Oh no, we’re fucked. Not the Wienermobile. By the way, “hot dog highway” is what I call my mouth.
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We’ve made the difficult decision to cancel currently scheduled Wienermobile events for the near future. The health & safety of our fans, the Hotdoggers & the public is top priority. We look forward to getting back on the hot dog highway as soon as we can. Stay safe everyone 
Man, guess I dodged a boring bullet. Coldplay, Beyoncé and Bruno Mars? That's a whole lot of I don't give a shit.
I’m so stoked about this. My book, Forever Nerdy is available for pre-order. Oct 23 you can read about my silly life & career. I’m very proud of my 1st book, it’s the hardest I’ve ever worked on anything. Thanks to my old pal for the blurb. bit.ly/2OhlWEu”
Holy shit! MANDY is a stoney mindfuck! Nicolas Cage is more metal than everyone!! Just got out of an 11pm screening, now I have to watch THE SHINING to come down.
Loved issue 1 of my pal, ‘s newest comical book, Minor Threats. Go to the comic shop now!
