Rami Ismail (رامي)Konto zweryfikowane

We're often spoon-fed this romantic notion of "doing what you love" and "loving your work". They're lovely notions, and not knowing what you want to do in life seems a terrifying struggle. Passion gives us the benefit of a direction, a compass, a guide. But it's nothing more.

Passion doesn't magically make work easier, or less straining. Passion for running long distance will get you running, but it won't help you run marathons. That takes effort, rest, & focus. Passion also won't help you run forever. You still need breaks (and water, stay hydrated).

Passion is a guide for a long path without guarantees. If you follow it without thought, it stops you from taking -or even seeing- branches in life that might be interesting or good. And passion is not unchangable. Some find it early, some find it late. Some lose it again.

There's a reason 'passion' as a word stems from a word that means 'suffering' or 'enduring'. Passionate folks that couldn't control their passion were seen as suffering - and the honest truth is that many passionate creatives in history were.

Passion mixed with creativity is a force that can be extremely overwhelming. It's a high that people want to chase, a goal that people feel they need to fulfil. But unwavering commitment to that isn't necessarily a good thing.

I always get told people don't know how I do all the things I do. I'll tell you how I use to do that: by destroying my life, my relationships, and my friendships. I've run away from and pushed away more folks and opportunities than I've long cared to admit.

And I was so convinced, always, that I was doing the right thing! I was passionate about what I did. I could objectively tell that my games, my work, my advocacy was having a positive impact on the world. And I was, but I was damaging myself. Something had to give.

Of course there was a reckoning. First a reckoning for the notion that lovers will (or should) always support your passion above all. Then a reckoning for friends not feeling abandoned when you place your passion above their friendship. And then there was the burnout.

Every time, accepting my failures and reshaping my sense of self, of passion, responsibility, and creativity around significant losses in my life was painful and difficult and slow. The eventual conclusion always used to be that the problem was my passion.

Would I have been where I am today if I hadn't gone through that? Probably not. I would have had a completely different life. There's no way of telling whether it'd be better or worse than my current life, though. All I know is this life took me here.

I found my passion for game development at age six, and for the past 25 years I have been fortunate to have this guide, but it took me until years into my professional career to understand that passion might feel bigger than yourself, but it is per definition smaller than you.

So remember how earlier I said that in losing partners, friends, and facing burnout - the problem was always my passion? Turns out that's some self-preservationist lie. The problem wasn't my passion - the problem was me. My passion is part of me. I own it, not vice versa.

And if your passion is a part of you, you have responsibility for it. That means that the biggest struggle with passion is what we -let it- do with us. It needs control and funneling and understanding to be an explicitly good thing, or eventually it will cause harm.

Without control, passion will turn you into an unlikable asshole, a exploitable pawn, or just a human mess. Learning that a passion is a marathon, that our creative muscles need rest too, that you can't run well just by focusing on the running itself - it takes time and hurt.

I know this won't dissuade any passionate folks from following their dreams recklessly, or without disregard for those around them. I did the same. Stubbornness is part of it, I guess. But if you find yourself stuck, know you're not alone, and this struggle is shared by many.

Because passion is not bigger than you. It is not an excuse. It is a gift of sorts, but with responsibilities. It is your responsibility to balance nurturing it and nurturing you. It is your opportunity, and burden to funnel and shape it into something healthy, positive, & fair.

And these aren't struggles that are ever done. Nobody 'figures this out'. Passion is both cool & difficult, and trying to live with your drive and highs and lows is something that requires constant calibration and awareness. I don't have the answers. I don't know what's right.