Ted Pillow

@TedPillow

Contributor . Wrote for The Awl, McSweeney's, The Morning News, PopMatters, Thought Catalog. Collected film reviews at Arthouse Grindhouse.

arthousegrindhouse.wordpress.com
Joined May 2012
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  1. Jul 16

    Guy with large, masculine hands: Good at sports, firm handshake, handy with tools Me: Can reach all the way into Pringle’s can to get last chip

    1 retweet 1 like
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  2. Retweeted
    19 Oct 2016

    Every picture of the E.T. from the Universal Studios ride looks like he's destroying you in a rap battle

    295 replies 27,730 retweets 53,535 likes
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  3. Jul 10

    Robert Coover is one of my favorite writers. I could try to explain why and fail miserably, or you could just read this. It’ll take about 3 minutes and does a pretty amazing job of encapsulating the style and substance of his work.

    1 like
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  4. Jul 8

    Relationships Are All About Compromise, Which is Why I Got a Tattoo of Just One of the Menendez Brothers

    1 like
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  5. Retweeted
    Jun 19

    thinking about two mcdonald’s restaurants right across the street from each other duking it out, competing for business with the same exact menu items at the same prices

    16 replies 58 retweets 703 likes
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  6. Jun 5

    Just rewatched Three Days of the Condor. Didn’t realize it was based on a book called Six Days of the Condor. Those production meetings must’ve been like, “It’s too many Days of the Condor, guys. That’s almost a Week of the goddam Condors.”

    1 reply 1 retweet 5 likes
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  7. May 23

    People always say it’s crazy that Romeo and Juliet are only supposed to be 14 or whatever, but the story would’ve been way weirder if they were like 39.

    3 likes
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  8. May 20

    I love when you get invited to a wedding and they think you'll be excited for some shitty dress code they invented, like "Don't worry everyone, it's only black tie optional mandatory casual semi-formal Hawaiian!"

    1 retweet 3 likes
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  9. May 17

    Every Malcolm Gladwell thing is like, “The standard narrative is that the Mona Lisa is the greatest painting in history. Ha! In the next hour I will convince you why the greatest painting in history is, in fact, the Arby’s logo.”

    1 like
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  10. Retweeted
    May 13

    Nothing worse than sleeping at a friend's house and their family has some weird ass thing like calling spaghetti "Billy Dinner" or some shit

    1,346 replies 5,688 retweets 63,309 likes
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  11. May 13

    Me, first person to walk on the moon in 47 years: wtf how is there pollen up here

    2 likes
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  12. May 8

    “Singing in the Rain” is 103 minutes long. What the fuck are the other 98 minutes about? Everything I know is in the title.

    1 reply 2 retweets 4 likes
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  13. May 6

    [a character in a movie is shown looking in a mirror] Me [whispering to my date]: mmmm very thematic

    4 likes
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  14. Retweeted
    21 Jul 2014

    I would have instantly hit ET with a hammer and screamed the entire time

    94 replies 6,913 retweets 16,352 likes
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  15. Apr 18

    A classic barber trick is holding up some of your hair with their fingers, seemingly implying “Is this good? Not too short?” and you’re like “Yeah, perfect” and then 10 minutes later you don’t even have eyebrows anymore.

    2 likes
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  16. Apr 15

    My family: you’re horrible at budgeting. We have no money left Me: I don’t have time for this shit, I’m going food shopping at the airport

    6 likes
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  17. Retweeted
    Apr 4

    Uh Oh: They’re Making a Documentary About Your Favorite Musician

    1 reply 10 retweets 122 likes
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  18. Apr 1

    I’m not “perfect.” I guess I’ll never be an “influencer.” My “doctor” is “a veterinarian” but she “makes an exception for me.” Okay, so I’m not allowed within “500 feet” of “Josh Hartnett” or “his family.” Whoops. Yes, that’s “my blood” and no I won’t “leave this Baskin Robb

    1 like
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  19. Mar 27

    Me, putting my glasses on the nightstand and putting on a pair of ‘90s NBA style athletic goggles: i’m almost ready Her: you know I’m not really in the mood actually

    3 likes
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  20. Mar 18

    Friend: want to go skiing this weekend? Me: no thanks, i’m not “good at things”

    2 likes
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