emanation of psyche

So the minute I lose interest in the subject or lose faith in the leadership, I'm out. I was a gung-ho participant in the third party of my choice until they let me down. I was friends with a bunch of stage performers until I stopped performing, and drifted away from them.

By being so picky about whom to befriend AND so far-flung or scattered in my interests and commitments AND so reserved and private, I have set up anti-network effects. I *would be* the glue -- or at least the portal -- between different worlds but I don't connect them.

In some cases I know for sure those worlds do not want to be connected. Cynical dark edgy irony twitter with niceguy starwars developer advocates, or private equity nerds with classical music nerds, and so on

And yes to some extent I am bragging about the varied social circles I have drifted into despite being a complete unknown (only had my picture in the paper of record once), but it's not inaccurate and I do find some of my identity in being able to chameleon enough to get by.

In an intellectual sense, all of this is valuable, as I eventually make some use of all the information coming in -- and often share useful bits of it with people in another circle -- but in a social sense I am a dead end because I'm not a conduit.

And I think I have to change that. Although I have a family, and a few friends, and some modest work skills, and survival skills, I don't have a tribe. I remember the website of that name. I found the idea gross and pathetic. This or that interest or belief does not define me!

I am not a number and all that. I've mentioned it before but the most GenX thing I ever did was refuse to fully belong to any movement or hobby or fandom after the age of 18 or so. I ran through tabletop RPGs, my favorite 8-bit computer, a British sci-fi series, Westernized Zen,

...Objectionableism, and then gradually got involved in three academic-adjacent fields and then focused on one for a long time, but it was a big enough field that despite hur hur in-jokes and all, it was far from being a niche where we all knew each other.