emanation of psyche

I'm an urbane-ish veteran of the three most prominent US cities who doesn't care enough about craft cocktails or art openings to make hay from any of it, I'm a theater person who can't abide most theater people, a public speaker who is too circumspect to self-promote properly..

So really I'm just doing it all wrong.

To be very honest, I had always assumed that my combination of personal qualities and overall drive would lead to me being the node around which a network would grow, and that I would only need to do good work and be my fascinating self to attract plenty of high-quality friends

(In high school "I will become a wise teacher like Krishna murti or Alan W atts and everyone will gain from my benevolent guidance". Went on to study philosophy in college -- okay, now I don't believe in anything strongly enough to push it on people.)

I didn't mention the five minutes where I was a startup founder ("founder" let's be real) who saw through other entrepreneurs' pitches and bravado so that I never saw myself as one of them.

So I have to decide. Do I go ahead with the audacious and selfish urge to be a nexus of attention? To have my interests be of interest to others simply because they're my interests? To have my preferences, simply through my confidence in them, become the preferences of others?

Or do I put my name on the signup sheet to bring rolls to the next cookout? To volunteer to set up the audio for a developer meetup? To become a well-liked and trusted cog, a name on the thanks list when the next minor version goes out?

I'm sure my bias is showing. And that's because I am not convinced after all the years and struggle and suffering that a) I can never be a massive success and b) puttering away in a safe and cozy community is even possible for me over the long term.