And that is the big joke on me: I didn't want to be typical of my generation, a dropout, a washout, a flannel-wearing, zine-reading, clove-smoking etc. Yet by guarding my sense of independence so jealously I became as ineffectual as them, because I didn't tie myself to any group.
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Okay I said this was about friendship at the beginning but it swerved to be about membership, so let me get back to friendship...
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I am a bad friend because I cut people out when they disappoint me. I am a stupid friend because I don't cut people out when they are a drag on me. I see my friends having friends who are like themselves, and that seems wise. My friends are not like one another. Are they like me?
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I have rarely been as close to my friends as they deserve, and if I really liked myself I would say as close as I deserve. I am trying. I have friends with whom I banter and grouse about life but we skirt a lot of things. I don't want to do that anymore.
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I understand that buoyancy and agreed-upon means of coping (or even compensating) are healthy and helpful between people. Red Green pullin for ya and all that. But I do want to reach beyond that without totally deflating the sense of mutual support.
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I dunno man. I wish I'd grown up with a little more parental love and attention and sense of security and a little less in the way of crazy expectations. Seems like it would make it easier to choose not to be an arrogant ass.
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End of conversation
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