emanation of psyche

...Objectionableism, and then gradually got involved in three academic-adjacent fields and then focused on one for a long time, but it was a big enough field that despite hur hur in-jokes and all, it was far from being a niche where we all knew each other.

To be fair to my past self, I wasn't leaving these groups because I was too cool but because I was disappointed with what I found there or became more interested in new stuff. But at the same time I did have a conscious aversion to being defined simply.

And that is the big joke on me: I didn't want to be typical of my generation, a dropout, a washout, a flannel-wearing, zine-reading, clove-smoking etc. Yet by guarding my sense of independence so jealously I became as ineffectual as them, because I didn't tie myself to any group.

I really don't know what to do. I'm a programmer but bad, I'm a business person with a pitiful network, I'm a finance person with no money, I'm an all-american white person who doesn't want to hang out with whiners from left or right, I'm a southerner who never stays past a week,

I'm an urbane-ish veteran of the three most prominent US cities who doesn't care enough about craft cocktails or art openings to make hay from any of it, I'm a theater person who can't abide most theater people, a public speaker who is too circumspect to self-promote properly..

So really I'm just doing it all wrong.

To be very honest, I had always assumed that my combination of personal qualities and overall drive would lead to me being the node around which a network would grow, and that I would only need to do good work and be my fascinating self to attract plenty of high-quality friends

(In high school "I will become a wise teacher like Krishna murti or Alan W atts and everyone will gain from my benevolent guidance". Went on to study philosophy in college -- okay, now I don't believe in anything strongly enough to push it on people.)