emanation of psyche

I consumed something to make me garrulous at the keyboard to get this onto the page so please overlook the inevitable lapses in logic or general coherence...

My manner of having friends and participating in things is far from optimal. I've always had friends. I've rarely had more than six, and usually three close ones. I'm typically on friendly terms with, say, several dozen people known through work or education or avocation.

I'm not a joiner. That doesn't mean I don't join things. But I join them because I believe in them, not to be part of something. I once considered becoming a not-so-secret society initiate just to be better connected, and still look back on that moment of weakness with distaste.

So the minute I lose interest in the subject or lose faith in the leadership, I'm out. I was a gung-ho participant in the third party of my choice until they let me down. I was friends with a bunch of stage performers until I stopped performing, and drifted away from them.

By being so picky about whom to befriend AND so far-flung or scattered in my interests and commitments AND so reserved and private, I have set up anti-network effects. I *would be* the glue -- or at least the portal -- between different worlds but I don't connect them.

In some cases I know for sure those worlds do not want to be connected. Cynical dark edgy irony twitter with niceguy starwars developer advocates, or private equity nerds with classical music nerds, and so on

And yes to some extent I am bragging about the varied social circles I have drifted into despite being a complete unknown (only had my picture in the paper of record once), but it's not inaccurate and I do find some of my identity in being able to chameleon enough to get by.

In an intellectual sense, all of this is valuable, as I eventually make some use of all the information coming in -- and often share useful bits of it with people in another circle -- but in a social sense I am a dead end because I'm not a conduit.

And I think I have to change that. Although I have a family, and a few friends, and some modest work skills, and survival skills, I don't have a tribe. I remember the website of that name. I found the idea gross and pathetic. This or that interest or belief does not define me!

I am not a number and all that. I've mentioned it before but the most GenX thing I ever did was refuse to fully belong to any movement or hobby or fandom after the age of 18 or so. I ran through tabletop RPGs, my favorite 8-bit computer, a British sci-fi series, Westernized Zen,

...Objectionableism, and then gradually got involved in three academic-adjacent fields and then focused on one for a long time, but it was a big enough field that despite hur hur in-jokes and all, it was far from being a niche where we all knew each other.

To be fair to my past self, I wasn't leaving these groups because I was too cool but because I was disappointed with what I found there or became more interested in new stuff. But at the same time I did have a conscious aversion to being defined simply.

And that is the big joke on me: I didn't want to be typical of my generation, a dropout, a washout, a flannel-wearing, zine-reading, clove-smoking etc. Yet by guarding my sense of independence so jealously I became as ineffectual as them, because I didn't tie myself to any group.

I really don't know what to do. I'm a programmer but bad, I'm a business person with a pitiful network, I'm a finance person with no money, I'm an all-american white person who doesn't want to hang out with whiners from left or right, I'm a southerner who never stays past a week,

I'm an urbane-ish veteran of the three most prominent US cities who doesn't care enough about craft cocktails or art openings to make hay from any of it, I'm a theater person who can't abide most theater people, a public speaker who is too circumspect to self-promote properly..

So really I'm just doing it all wrong.

To be very honest, I had always assumed that my combination of personal qualities and overall drive would lead to me being the node around which a network would grow, and that I would only need to do good work and be my fascinating self to attract plenty of high-quality friends

(In high school "I will become a wise teacher like Krishna murti or Alan W atts and everyone will gain from my benevolent guidance". Went on to study philosophy in college -- okay, now I don't believe in anything strongly enough to push it on people.)

I didn't mention the five minutes where I was a startup founder ("founder" let's be real) who saw through other entrepreneurs' pitches and bravado so that I never saw myself as one of them.

So I have to decide. Do I go ahead with the audacious and selfish urge to be a nexus of attention? To have my interests be of interest to others simply because they're my interests? To have my preferences, simply through my confidence in them, become the preferences of others?

Or do I put my name on the signup sheet to bring rolls to the next cookout? To volunteer to set up the audio for a developer meetup? To become a well-liked and trusted cog, a name on the thanks list when the next minor version goes out?

I'm sure my bias is showing. And that's because I am not convinced after all the years and struggle and suffering that a) I can never be a massive success and b) puttering away in a safe and cozy community is even possible for me over the long term.

But I need to choose. Either business it up or dev it up or good neighbor it up...or hot dog it up, TED it up, 4-Hour it up. What I can't do is continue to play Twister with one foot in functional programming, one hand in controversial politics, etc, but belonging to none.

Okay I said this was about friendship at the beginning but it swerved to be about membership, so let me get back to friendship...

I am a bad friend because I cut people out when they disappoint me. I am a stupid friend because I don't cut people out when they are a drag on me. I see my friends having friends who are like themselves, and that seems wise. My friends are not like one another. Are they like me?

I have rarely been as close to my friends as they deserve, and if I really liked myself I would say as close as I deserve. I am trying. I have friends with whom I banter and grouse about life but we skirt a lot of things. I don't want to do that anymore.

I understand that buoyancy and agreed-upon means of coping (or even compensating) are healthy and helpful between people. Red Green pullin for ya and all that. But I do want to reach beyond that without totally deflating the sense of mutual support.