emanation of psyche

I can't go on my regular social media and say "fuck a shit my life is a goldurn disaster and I can barely keep going for all the RIGHTEOUS RAGE and disappointment boilin' up and swampin' muh thoughts" because I'm still up to play the Has It All Togetherman role of a lifetime

But since my life is a shitfuck disaster and I can barely keep going through the swamp of rage and righteous thoughts of disappointment, I'm saying it here on "my friend"'s account, thanks friendster

What precipitated this: I have probably three or so weeks of prep left in my preparations/studies before I can start taking clients (I'm guessing) but I can't get both my brain and body together and ready to learn for very long each day, because...

[rideshare company] just decided to pull a good one on all its already very numerous existing drivers by urging TONS of new drivers to start this week and tilting the odds of what we in the argot of this industry refer to as "good rides" towards these greenhorns.

I talked to my ridesharing driver today about Tronp and he said "I am getting eight dollars in exchange for spending 15 minutes alone in my car with you and that's not nearly enough to elicit any genuine opinions from me"

And so, as weary as I typically was with driving strangers (awkward) over hill and dale for hours in the sun (which I hate, thus proving I am not the daffodil), I am now working plus long and for less baguette. It's so bad that I'm thinking of getting a job...

And if, when I say "get a job" you think "oh, have to be a product manager for a dumb startup or a sales rep for Oracle or something, yeah that's lame" oh no no juengling, I mean the kind of job you can get in the bay area as a mid-age, mid-size white guy with a patchwork resume

I mean a job wading through idiot comment sections on itubes or youtune looking for variations on the n-wort. I mean driving cars to people so they can test drive them. I mean pretending to be an AI assistant. I mean shit that will never convert to a job in engineering or MGMT.

So I'm writing this today to help me believe in myself for just a tiny bit longer. I've done a lot in my life, suffered through a lot, fucked up wow so many times. I just have to hang on and keep coding and Overflowing, etc for a few more weeks, and I can have a real career.

I can't let my-terrible-finances-just-got-worse shake me off this PATH and into a different Environment. I joke but it is sure hard to live through. Anyway, I can't give up after getting this far only take some shitass helpdesk job off Angle-List. Can I?

Non angeli, sed angleplayers

At this point I trail off into mumbling grumbling. I used to go straight to the cinnabonoids when I got home. By the time it wore off I would forget how desperate, urgent, furious I was earlier in the day. Yet I could be productive after. Today I needed to face the rage.