*Finally gets my shit together*
*Puts it in a pile and sits in it*
"My work here is done."
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Kage
@swissmistress
Comedy. Music. Artsy and weird. oh, also unpaid therapist.
CalifornicatorJoined July 2009
Kage’s Tweets
In the spirit of adventure, I always accept the offer to smell a finger. I truly believe that, one day, this will pay off.
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Ok. Your roommate eats the remainder of your ice cream. Explain the details of their gruesome murder.
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How many jobs are too many? I have 4, and this is how a person has to live, now.
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It only takes one crooked picture hung on a wall for me to show my true colors.
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I like to scroll past "disaster!", "terror!", "murder!", "general drama and mayhem!", and park myself at "squirrels wearing funny hats".
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The term for your foot falling asleep should be Coma Toes.
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I heard the apocalypse is on its way and thought, damn I better shave my legs.
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I'm like a Hollywood Squares panelist at work. I'ma give you the right answer, but you're gonna have to sit through some of my bullshit first.
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If you don’t have a hair tie on your wrist are you even prepared for whatever the world may throw at you today?
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Darth Skater #SportsForSupervillains
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I live here, rent free. He shits his pants and I do his laundry. OK.
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Hashtag Roundup - Thursday
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Guest: 12:30PM ET
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Myself and are covering for our pal Thursday afternoon at 12:30pm Eastern, part of ! Hoping for some geeky fun!
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I entered the middle turn lane at that same time as someone in front of me, and immediately "Holding Out For A Hero" starts playing in my brain.
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I guess this gig is better than OnlyFans. #ThoughtsOfAnArtistsMuse
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How old am I? I'm showing my friends Billie Eilish videos.
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I'm in my 40s and I still won't say no to a good dare.
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I absolutely will not "read that again". You can't tell me what to do, internet person.
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Why are people still arguing over masks? Wear one if you want to, who cares?
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Important things to ponder today:
1. Which show to start binge-watching
2. Which flavor of B&J ice cream will pair with chosen show
3. Pj pants or yoga leggings?
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Do we get a little break after we die or we just pop out of another vagina
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There is nothing people ask for more and at the same time despise more than the truth
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IDGAF Status:
There's a huge black widow living above my front door, and I'm not going to do a damn thing about it.
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You guys, real life keeps getting in the way of my tweeting. This is bullshit.
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I think "Given 30 minutes, a search engine, and a sufficient level of panic, I can figure just about anything out" should be a perfectly valid thing to put on a resume.
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I let a man pack for me. I ended up with 17 pairs of underwear, 25 tank tops, a sweater, and some yoga pants.
I'm only gone for 3 days.
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Serving platter molded out of a celebrity's ass cheeks. What ass do you want to serve your queso on?
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I do your job for free.
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I slit the sheet. The sheet I slit. Upon the slitted sheet I sit.
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#IWouldOnlyDateYouIf you're not on Twitter.
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Guurrrl, are you a bible? 'Cause I wanna do some thumpin'. #ABiblicalPickupLine
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Anything that opposes another person's opinions, basically. #ThingsYouCantSayAnymore
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It was me, though. I didn't want to hear the beeping.
Quote Tweet
someone left exactly 1 second on the break room microwave and this is the shit that justifies human extinction
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You know what? I think everything's going to be alright.
...April fools!
*laughsobs quietly*
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