To start with, I have to say that as a young comics reading adult I was basically willing to try reading ANYTHING. But if I didn't like it I had a "special" shelf it went on. The oubliette shelf if you will. The Killing Joke ended up on that shelf, as did Watchmen...
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...and someday Y, The Last Man would also end up on that shelf. So. That shelf was kind of a litmus test. If I liked you enough to think about sleeping with you, I would casually leave you alone with the bookcase and wait to see what you mentioned.
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Sometimes I would notice things go missing from the shelf, and my usual attitude was, "Huh, well. It's found a better home. That's nice."
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So. Dave* (again, not his real name!). Dave was a guy I met in between getting out of a relationship that at the time was 25% of my life (6 years at age 24)...and meeting the person I would eventually marry.
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And Dave was, surprisingly, not an asshole when I talked about comics. (See, this is the con! lol) Dave listened to me and discussed my opinions with me and hey, we had a fight about Transmet...but who HAVEN'T I fought with about Transmet, right?
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So one night I bring Dave back to my place and leave him alone with The Bookshelf. It's a brief stop, we're on the way to another engagement, because I timebox his presence until he's passed The Bookshelf Test...
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And whatever, I emerge from my fake beauty labor (that I was doing to leave him alone), and we go on to the thing we're doing. It might have been a party?
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And I get home and I notice Watchmen is gone and I think, a) I'm really glad we haven't slept together, and b) now I'm going to have to figure out how to get rid of him without making it about Watchmen... (Or theft, but whatever, I was like, just barely 25 at that point so...)
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So I do the soft escape for a while. "Oh, no, I can't that night I have a final in this class I'm taking," or "Shoot, really wish I could but...um, taking my pet fish to the groomer" type stuff. He finally manages to get me to say yes to coffee, like...a month later.
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And I'm thinking like, you're never gonna get the hint, I have to go be an asshole, ugh this sucks, but ok.
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So I show up for coffee. And I pay for my own and grab a table. And literally? He comes in, sees me, comes over, *plops* Watchmen (my copy, mind you, complete with Half-Price Books sticker I never removed) and says:
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"I just read the most amazing book, you have to read it, Alan Moore is a genius!"
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Reader, this is the point at which I could say I had the good sense to leave. But I did not.
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Instead I choked down a very expensive mocha while listening to him rhapsodize about how important and meaningful and truly groundbreaking this comic is. How people who don't like it just don't get it. Etc etc etc. (If you've EVER dated a guy into comics you know what I mean.)
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At the end of all of this, in a voice that sounds rather strangled (because I am trying not to a) scream at him for any of this, or b) figure out what will make a good weapon with which to end this existence...), I say, "I just don't think we're a good fit."
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There's some boring back and forth, I finally manage to extricate myself, and as I'm standing up, I'm like, "By the way, you can keep Watchmen. I hated it."
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Which is the point he flips it open and finds my schoolgirl perfect handwriting in the top corner of the inside cover, reading <My Name>.
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My fondest memory of the mistake I almost made in dating him longer was the beet redness of his face as I exited the coffee shop and got on a bus without looking back. -Fin-
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PS - I don’t have a soundcloud, but if you enjoyed this story please support your LOCAL press!


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Legit I love that the thing that makes most people angry about this is that he stole the book. I feel like I am finally in the right crowd.
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End of conversation
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