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Jason Sweeney

@sween

limited edition, macaroni and glitter on construction paper. (Didn’t pay, ain’t gonna.)

Toronto, Ontario, Canadasween.carbonmade.comJoined November 2007

925.9K Followers

Jason Sweeney’s Tweets

Jason Sweeney Retweeted

Mike Monteiro did not pay for

Yo yo yo. People asking “How can I help striking union workers and others affected by corporate greed and wage theft?” John’s got you:

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1) Non-members ask how they can show solidarity with the Writers Strike. The most effective way is to donate to the Entertainment Community Fund. It's NOT for us, it's to support fellow Hollywood employees, crew who may suffer hardship due to the strike. secure2.convio.net/afa/site/Donat

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We have fun at work.

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If you made a documentary of me putting this duvet cover on, the narration would probably be Werner Herzog saying, “Existence is suffering.”

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Every Easter we celebrate the resurrection of the one sent by the Creator to guide mankind. The one who died so we might all be saved. Thank you, Gandalf.

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"The Wreck of the Edmund Fitzgerald"

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Meredith Loftus

@MeredithLoftus

What song is Barbie singing along to? Wrong answers only

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I would also support a Cisgender Day of Invisibility. Because we could do with shutting the damn hell up for once.

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To all of my trans friends, the trans kids of my friends, and ALL the other trans people in the world: I see you and I support your right to be who you really are. You do you. #tdov

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

Richard (Gebara) Side

Shout out to all my imposter syndrome friends. You know who you aren't.

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I loved him in everything I ever saw him in. This fucking sucks.

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Lance Reddick, star of ‘The Wire’ and the ‘John Wick’ franchise, has died at age 60, his publicist says. nbcnews.to/3lfleOg

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It is the day.

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“It’s St. Patrick’s Day, so excuse me while I Irish up this coffee.” [Fills mug with potatoes]

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You ever look in the freezer, notice you have two pizzas, three pork chops, one pack of cod, 14 ice cubes, 182 individual peas, 793 kernels of corn, and realize the edible just hit?

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

It’s International Women’s Day and I believe all men and women should be equal but my wife says I’m not ready for that kind of responsibility.

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

These are the worst earbuds.

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

Lots of people want a car that makes them *look* sexy, but only minivans prove you’ve actually *had* sex.

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

Spread the word:

daringfireball.net

Tweetbot and Twitterrific Face the Cliff

There is something noble about two longtime rivals — competitors, yes, but with nothing but deep respect and camaraderie for each other — facing this terrible cliff together, with dignity and grace,...

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I hope he’s okay. He was probably just scared.

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Last night I had to fight a walrus in my dreams. Not a big one, but still.

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Cineplex: Hey! Come back to the theatre! It’s the BEST movie experience. Also Cineplex: [Turns on the lights SO BRIGHT during the credits of “Quantumania” that we cannot see the MULTIPLE post-credits scenes AT ALL.] Amazing troll,

@CineplexMovies

. No notes.

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

@SarahCAndersen

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Cards and chocolate are fine, but my wife is emptying the dishwasher for me for Valentine's Day.

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Good news! I wrote a Super Bowl commercial! Bad news! It’s only airing in Canada. Good news! You can watch it here! Bad news! It might be a little scary.

Switch to Bell pure fibre Internet. The world's fastest Internet technology.

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My wife and I got married 18 years ago today and the traditional 18th anniversary gift is porcelain. The red bow on the toilet looks great.

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Okay, folks. My wife got home from Newfoundland tonight, so Christmas is back on. Thanks for holding off until now.

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

Your job title, but with the word “Disgraced” in front of it.

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And I was right: no flight for Jason. That’s okay. My wife’s sick of me. She certainly doesn’t want me to spend Christmas with her and her whole family.

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Welp, I’m on my way home with no idea when my flight is going to be rescheduled. (Of course, the demon that torments me by speaking hard truths just brought up a good point: who says I’m getting out?)

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Oh, I guess that solved my problem with the on-hold music. An

rep picked up the line and then just hung up on me! Problem solved!

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Friendly tip,

: after about an hour, the little tips that break up the *one* on-hold song that plays over and over again on your customer service line doesn’t need to begin with “Did you know…” anymore.

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Think of the children,

! The small, furry children!

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However, they do have all my luggage (i.e., Christmas presents) and there’s not a single human at the airport that works at

who will tell me what to do next.

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My

flight got cancelled while in the line for security, but I choose to look on the positive side: I get to take my cat on TWO car rides!

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The closest I’ve gotten to how Argentina feels right now is the one time I made the bed and flicked the top sheet perfectly into place on the first try.

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“Oh yeah, filming Smooth Criminal was great. Michael was a total gentleman. Anyways, can I grab you guys some drinks?”

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Jason Sweeney Retweeted

In my job, I have to wear many hats (hat tester).

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I gasped out loud.

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Rest in Peace, Bob McGrath. Thank you for being a person in our neighborhood

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Sorry, team. Just got back from the vet and she said our cat is perfect. I’m sure yours are still pretty great.

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Streeeeeetch.

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After it falls, we should Station Eleven the hell out of Twitter. Travel from settlement to settlement, performing the greats. Imagine the haunting sound of a hundred survivors chanting “TEETH TEETH TEETH” on the shores of Lake Michigan.

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I want to come up with good joke in case Twitter dies in the night but I’m sleepy so farts

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