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Sep 11, 2016

The element of surprise isn't on the Periodic Table. Explain that Science

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Not my King.

John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil

@TheAlexNevil

Doctor: I’ve got good news and bad news Me, being eaten by a shark: Let’s start with the good

The reaction that matters. #WHUMUN

John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil

@TheAlexNevil

21h

“I can’t even with these idiots.” -god

You've got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.

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John Carpenter’s The Alex Nevil

@TheAlexNevil

May 2

Doctor: You should eat more greens Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]

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Read the room Paddingon you marmalade cunt

Quote Tweet

Paddington

@paddingtonbear

May 6

Remember to be kind and polite today.

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any of you speak German who can translate this for me

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Little known #Coronation tradition was the cleaning of toilets part of the ceremony.

LONG LIVE THE KING!

The glove is obviously worn for hygiene purposes.

[My brain at 3am] When actors practice safe sex do they use a stunt double?

Long May He Reign!

Pledge Allegiance to my Daddy!

Apr 30

Long May He Reign! #Coronation

All I'm saying is Dorothy from The Wizard Of Oz has more confirmed kills than Willy Wonka.

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Apr 28

When you realise that there was more to that fart.....

I think it may be time to sacrifice some drafts to the algorithm.

Replying to

and

What if you can’t bear to watch it out of petrifying fear? What do I do then Gary?

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WIFE: I'm leaving you. You just can't stop correcting me even though you're mostly wrong. It's like it's in your DNA. ME: D and A, Sharon.

Apr 24

Love how the delivery driver just agrued with me that my house was my neighbour's house because his GPS told him it was.

ELON: There are no bots on twitter ALSO ELON: Today your 'For You' timeline will be nothing but accounts with 250k followers who follow nobody and post nothing but memes and videos.

Today in 1092, the Diocese of Pisa is elevated to the rank of metropolitan archdiocese by Pope Urban II. 'But fix that f**king tower first,' he says.

I would say no

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Apr 20

Well well well look who it is. Hello former blue checkmarks..... Welcome back to the sewer.

@charley_ck14

Apr 20

Blue Checks being threatened to pay are like…

GIF

Apr 19

Meet the ‘elite’ couples breeding to save mankind.

Apr 18

CNN: FOX NEWS SETTLE WITH DOMINION MSNBC: FOX NEWS SETTLE WITH DOMINION ABC: FOX NEWS SETTLE WITH DOMINION CBS: FOX NEWS SETTLE WITH DOMINION BBC: FOX NEWS SETTLE WITH DOMINION FOX NEWS: COULD BOTTLING YOUR FARTS LEAD TO ENERGY INDEPENDENCE?

People say having no friends as a child is bad but if I did have friends back then I would never have invented the frisbeerang.