Steven Ryu

She speaks up, “Hey do you want to go back to my place...” !!!!!! “And smoke Opium?”

I bust out laughing. This human has a wonderful sense of humor, I’m thinking. She on the other hand is not laughing.

As I realize that this question is not in jest, I know I have to say something. What I should have said was, “No thank you.” What came out of my mouth was the most solemn terrified “Oh no.”

See because I don’t do drugs. I’ve never smoked an anything. Now I’m not holding up signs showing people what there brain looks like on crack, but it’s not my thing. So asking me to smoke Opium is like asking someone who has never driven if they want to be in the Indy500.

So what ends up happening now is me apologizing profusely. Because I feel like I’ve let her down in this major way.

See I look at it like she must have been thinking for months, this looks like a guy who wants to Opium with me. Like I’ve been giving off a ton of Opium signals that I just wasn’t aware of.

So this whole time I was nervous about making a move in the theater or the car, she’s been worried about dropping the O bomb.

The she who is much braver than I am works up the courage to pop the question, and I come out swinging with the recreational drug use equivalent of “Oh, let’s just be friends.”