Alex Stephenson

Some girl just told me she was a Virgo right before I started to not give a fuck.

If weinergate has taught me anything it's that it's best to not even show your dick to strangers anymore with the internet and stuff.

Nintendo has unveiled its new Wii. I just hope they didn't tweet a picture of it.

Dad wants me to spread his ashes someplace we had fun. Ok, crematorium it is.

Crapelbum #RedSox

Absolutely no one gets more drunk than tall, pasty-white guys with strawberry-blonde hair wearing khakis and Doc Martins.

Would have worked for better grades in school if there had been incentive. 'Getting a job, working for the rest of your life' didn't cut it.

If you purchase a car with 'park assist', your license should be immediately revoked and shoved up your butt hole.

My mom makes brownies, banana bread, cupcakes, and apple pie for my birthday. She's the evil witch from Hanzel and Gretel. #mymomisnuts

#seinfeldderbyhorsenames Arealsideler

#seninfeldderbyhorsenms Magicloogie

#seinfeldderbyhorsenames Goodsamaritanlaw

Wearing my Navy Seals t-shirt at this bar. Getting tons of hi-fives.

Sometimes I want to write in longer form, but that should be left for the prose.

Orion's Belt is a waist of space.

When you're done masturbating give yourself a thumbs up or down, so when your life flashes before your eyes you can have a laugh.

The next pet I have I am going to teach how to be racist.

I'm pretty sure it wasn't a woman who decided to put "International Womens Day" on "Fat Tuesday"

@ESPN_Michelle Oh Canadia...our home and native land...hahaha....canadians.