Steve vs. Ninjas

If it looks like a duck, swims like a duck, and quacks like a duck, it’s another brilliant performance by Daniel Day-Lewis

Judge: you've been charged with mansplaining in the first-degree, how do you plead Me: 𝘢𝘤𝘵𝘶𝘢𝘭𝘭𝘺 I don't plan it, it just comes up in conversation so technically I should have been charged with 𝘴𝘦𝘤𝘰𝘯𝘥-𝘥𝘦𝘨𝘳𝘦𝘦 mansplaining Judge: *bangs gavel* death

Me: what's the soup of the day Waiter: it's bean Me: ONE WEEK SINCE YOU LOOKED AT ME

[swapping consciousness with the Mars Rover, playing with dirt and cruising around in absolute silence and isolation] this is nice.

My plan to break into the upturned-rake store in the dark was ill-conceived at best

You, wasteful, throw away avocado pits. I, genius, microwave 200 at once, creating megapopcorn.

everybody's a toughguy until they have to use a screwdriver overhead for two minutes

I'm a crepe... I'm a weird dough

a movie called nosferatatouille, where a bat sits on draculas head and turns him into a world renowned pastry chef

me: I want to eat a magic geode full of rubies grocer: pomegranate. aisle 12.

DAD: I want to be buried at sea ME: [googles "shovels but for water"]

And the Michelin Man removed the tire from his waist and gave it to them, saying, “Take this and drive; for this is my body.”

Bear Grylls: *cuts with knife* These can be edible, but I must avoid the toxic parts. Taco Bell Manager: You need permission to film in here

*takes out one earbud* "not guilty, your honor"

Once I was in an elevator w/ 5 strangers & a lady ran up at the last second. Instead of helping her, we all watched the doors close. I said, "Good. I never liked her" to what I thought would be big laughs. Nope. As I rode 10 floors in thick silence, they shut me out even harder

[art class] me: *sawing off ear* like this?

[renting a u-haul] me: can this truck hold other letters

[withdrawing hotdog from cigar tube and tapping it on the table] Ladies and gentlemen, I believe the murderer is still in this very room

Charon, after a long day of ferrying souls, reaches for his bag of coins, then sees the new pop machine only takes bills.