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  1. Pinned Tweet

    As a kid I remember the modem would scream when you got online but now i have to do that myself

  2. [spelling bee] Moderator- Your word is copulate Me- *twirls hair* But we just met

  3. age 10: the floor is lava!!! hahahahahha age 25: the stable adult relationship is lava!!!! hahAhaha

  4. I'd get in a death cab for a cutie

  5. They've been trying to repeal ObamaCare for 7 yrs. If they'd really wanted to replace it, you'd think they'd have had some idea how by now.

  6. "Stop, Drop, Enroll" would be a good slogan for Firefighter school

  7. You can tell a lot about a man's character by how he behaves when given anonymity

  8. [at gym] me: [wiping down equipment after finishing with it] cute girl: you don't have to do that with the vending machine. are you crying

  9. Young pope was in prayboy magazine

  10. Don't come asking for votes in 2 yrs, if you're not actively resisting what is happening right now in the present time.

  11. My biggest problem in these ACA debates? I don't know how to explain to you why you should care about other people.

  12. Barack - "honey are you ready?" Michelle - "hold on, just holding the sign" Barack - "what sign?" Michelle -

  13. In six days an unhinged monster will take charge of our country and I for one, am terrified. In just six days. I can't believe this is real.

  14. *on phone with Pizza place* PP: I'm sorry but your pizza delivery guy got into a car accident on the way. Me: oh god!! Is my pizza okay??

  15. I never get pissed when fruit flies dive bomb my glass of wine. If I only had a few days to live, I'd drown myself in reisling too.

  16. “Need anything from the store?” Yes, can you get me a 1/4-lb of Worthlivingfore? “What is Worthlivingfore?” [stone-faced] I wish I knew.

  17. Just got a text from my mum. I'd forgotten that I had told her wi-fi was short for something else ☺

  18. Millennials are making 20% less than baby boomers did at their age. I want to react to this news properly—what’s the opposite of “YAAAS?"

  19. [first date] Me: that is hilarious Date: ... Me: wait, bread or dead? Date: how would my parents be bread?

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