🎄stefmadarts  🎄

tw: death I can’t sleep, so I want to talk about something that’s haunted me since I lost my mum. The night before I was in so much pain from my wisdom teeth and my wrist aching, but I ran out of painkillers that did anything to help.

At that point I’d been isolating since March, but I stopped going outside even for food for a few weeks. The goal was to isolate enough from people so I could go home completely safe to see her. Ultimately, that never happened.

That week I was in a lot of pain. But I rang her up anyway since I was planning to make my first big trip outdoors in ages. I couldn’t talk long, it hurt to talk, but I told her my plan, considered a dentist and I’d call her as soon as I got them the next day.

It was such a short call and I regret ever hanging up. The last thing my mum heard from me was how much pain I was in. She always worried about me being alone here to the point of sickness, and it’s terrified me that the stress of telling her is what did her in that night.