I think I parse each time I exit the house as excursions into enemy territory. I always feel the need to come back to base: home alone is the only way to feel safe. 1/n
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Conversely when I actually AM somewhere foreign I feel much better, much safer: the narrative and my feeling line up - i AM a foreigner.
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I think I basically never feel safe with peoplepic.twitter.com/YkSH8mUdyt
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Because I don't feel safe *and* need to exit the house I rev myself up via spinning virtual machines
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This I'm always stressed/tense/on edge UNLESS I have the right VM to keep me safe. Thus I need predictability in my environment
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Because I need predictability I need TRUTH and KNOWLEDGE to know how things are and how they might change. Thus I get really really triggered when I find people to have been deceitful
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I feel happiest when I enter social worlds where it's "ok to be me" or even good. I act in a way that kinda violates all social scripts, but it's ok or even good. There have been a few moments like that, all going out, which is why I've spent a lot of time going out.
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People need to be drunk/on drugs to be able to directly vibe with actual me, lol
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