All else being equal, if you “wanted” to do something but then didn’t do it, it means you didn’t actually want to do it. Maybe you thought you should, you recognised the value etc. But that is very different to actually wanting something. You have no problem doing what you want.
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There are some other choices as well: 1. you just want to keep your trauma 2. "all else being equal" means in your specific case this doesn't apply So yes, the option 0 was by far the most hopeful.
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Super nice that you hoped the best option was true for me
End of conversation
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