MetaJess

and in the meantime I still have to fulfill my existing obligations which don't do anything towards getting me out of it I haven't been able to do anything related to this without using anti-anxiety medication for the past three years.

I haven't had a long conversation with anyone involved without drinking, getting high, or using phenibut right beforehand for the last three years

and I can barely interact with anything related to the obligation without wanting to vomit and now that I've started the process of getting out of it...I barely care how the fuck do I get through this without digging a deeper hole for myself

why haven't I just said "have fun guys, I'm out as of Friday?" lots of reasons but mostly not wanting to be an asshole I'd be leaving a mess and a lot of the mess is my own lots of should'ves here should've never gotten involved (fomo/peer pressure)

should've [REDACTED] should've quit 1, 2, 3, years ago

I have so much to do and I simultaneously dgaf AND start feeling panic creep in whenever I try to do anything this is like the last major knot in my psyche, the last tangle to deal with left over from the last several years' mistakes the finish line is RIGHT THERE

and I just want to duck out to the side and say "see ya" wtf

it creeps into everything I don't have whatever lets people effectively compartmentalize their lives fun, work, social life, all have this gross tinge of guilt and annoyance and resentment that this bullshit is on my mind while I'm trying to engage with the rest of my life