Short thread on my first experience of meta-systematicity, “fluid mode” or Kegan’s interindividual stage. I remember the first time I questioned a system - it was political. I was throughly versed in the feminist, sjw system and more broadly the leftist spectrum
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I didn’t know what I believed anymore because previously I had thought my personal identity was based on something Right and True. Now I could see the system I used was based on founding assumptions that, while noble, and reasonable were mostly arbitrary.
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And that it was perfectly possible for other people to choose completely different foundations, which were equally reasonable, noble and arbitrary and build a completely different, but equally justified, other identity. I couldn’t talk to any of my friends about this
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because to question the system would be heresy. Rather than be kicked out for having wrong beliefs I drifted away from them. I felt evil for a while, a moral relativist. Getting more right wing as I got older and all that. But once I saw it, I couldn’t un-see it.
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The not-knowing-what-I-thought was about 2-3 years. But feeling sad/guilty (malaise is a strong word) was not quite so long, I guess 6 months solid then on and off after that.
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Interesting that you realized this the first time you questioned your own system. I had a few rounds of "everything I belive is wrong lets remodel my entire identity around this other ideology" before I came to that realization.
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