inkedupandsonic

@sonictyrant

uphill rollerskating and relentless underachieving

England avi by @3MBComics MOO
Vrijeme pridruživanja: listopad 2017.

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  1. Prikvačeni tweet
    28. srp 2019.

    Emily Blunt: fuck me Emily Subtle: come up for coffee

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  2. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    22. sij

    kid: daddy guess what? me: what? kid: today...at school... me: yeah? kid: at school.... me: yep at school, uh-huh. kid: today... me: right. kid: at school today...not YESTERDAY... me: got it. kid: johnny.... me: kid: johnny said... me: kid: today... me: oh god.

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  3. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    26. sij

    me: [failing to blow out birthday candles] friend: they're trick candles. me: haha what a needless frustration on my birthday. friend: lol i know, we dislike you and want you to fail.

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  4. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    30. sij

    Plot twist: Hitler travels forward in time to kill me.

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  5. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    21. pro 2019.

    Hey everyone! I hope I'm not being a pest, but our album Now is out and I would love for everyone to give it a listen! Thanks for putting up with me. 💚

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  6. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Your body may be a temple but mine is an orchestra with only tubas.

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  7. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 5 sati

    Interviewer: and what do you think you can bring to the table? Me: *ponders* er, pizza? Interviewer: ʰⁱʳᵉᵈ

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    BIG GAME CHECKLIST: My TV? Huge✔️ My beer? Craft ✔️ My wings? Spicy✔️ My kids? Won’t speak to me✔️ My pigs? In blankets✔️ My team? Chiefs, baby!✔️ My marriage? Crumbling✔️ My dips? Assorted✔️ My loneliness? Profound✔️

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  9. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    [Visiting Australia] Wife: I’m in the mood for a root beer float Me: Babe they don’t know what that is. It’s a root Foster’s float here.

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  10. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    If I ever go to prison I'm classing up my toilet wine by calling it cabernet from the john

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  11. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    me: i'm gonna buy a wig pal: straight up? me: no, long and curly

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  12. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 7 sati

    [rubbing lamp] Genie: You have three wishes Me: I want something that will save me time, stress and heartache every day Genie: Done! *all of my kids' shoes are now velcro*

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  13. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 7 sati

    I’m not winking at you, there’s a cat hair in my eye.

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  14. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    Me in a conversation : Concise, profound Me at a drive up window: Me...uh...cheeseburger...do I like drinks? Sorry, sorry

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  15. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 7 sati

    If you don't say thank you at least five times while ordering at a drive thru then you're not my kind of people.

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  16. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 18 sati

    So who won that big soccer game

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  17. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 19 sati

    Valentine's may be a commercially fabricated holiday but there's nothing like receiving a handwritten note, card or call that details exactly why someone loves you.

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  18. proslijedio/la je Tweet

    The saddest part of watching the Super Bowl is knowing that kids these days will never get to experience the Bud-Weis-Er frogs.

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  19. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 21 sat

    Fuck you Google. I’m not crying, you’re crying.

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  20. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 21 sat

    *just roots for the hottest quarterback*

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  21. proslijedio/la je Tweet
    prije 22 sata

    an early spring and 6 more sighing weeks of deep, intractable whatever

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