UGH in one of those brutal phases of life where things aren't rewarding anymore. yes I went to the fucking gym but had to fucking lug myself through it again.
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I don't want to make bad decisions but can't fucking feel sustainably excited anymore. thinking of my best friend who spent the past year dating someone from a rural town, living with him there, learning the tools and trades of his family, literally building a cabin in the woods
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like she's fucking out there living life. says to me that in the last year or two she reads me as continually still depressed, not out there in nature living according to my actual values. why can't I fucking just do that
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why am I dealing with an internal techboy soyboy capitalist daddy voice. literally go back and forth between trying to urban techcash cuck myself and thinking there's something more wildly effeminate and spiritual inside me which wants poetic actualization in n a t u r e~~~
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that's the voice of god. he talks like that
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