i just found out my overpriced overly complicated internet package somehow resulted in me having hbo. i want to watch the absolute worst movie currently on hbo - any ideas?
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lmao excuse me they made another mummy movie in 2017 starring tom cruise? who is doing this?
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ok which of these awful movies should i soothe my stupid brain with? statham, cruise, the rock, or the hulk?
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well, the results of the poll ARE BINDING, so i am about to watch the big shark movie. have i mentioned i'm really afraid of the ocean?
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just kidding - the shark movie was too boring for the first fifteen minutes. gonna watch the bad mummy movie. it opens, as all movies about ancient egyptian curses do, in twelfth century england. perfect.
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oh i see, it's curse-inception. there is a big english tomb full of cursed crusader knights who got cursed one thousand years ago for messing with other, older tombs. the curse of the mummy's curse-on-thames.
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is that russell crowe standing in a big old tomb while russell crowe voiceover says THE PAST CANNOT REMAIN BURIED FOREVER. oh yeah, he's about to reveal "antiquity's darkest secret" wow he's a brilliant science guy
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i'm not totally sure why this ancient egyptian princess needed to do a naked blood sacrifice to the god of death if she was gonna murder her dad and that baby herself? girl, own your power. you didn't need god powers to kill that baby.
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hey, i'm eight minutes into this film and russell crowe has literally said the exact phrase "the past cannot remain buried forever" two entire times. i think they might be about to unearth some stuff from the past?
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x marks the spot, the spot where you should definitely go!pic.twitter.com/YCVlSTeY8O
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they opened a sinkhole and then a pretty blonde lady slapped tom cruise. things are not going according to plan.
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one thing i think is probably totally standard procedure when a significant archaeological find is discovered is to send one (1) archaeologist and one (1) bad boy US army sergeant who doesn't play by the rules and one (1) goofy sidekick rappelling down into the chasm alone.
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probably fine that the ceilings inside this giant underground cave are dripping mercury onto them. oh no there's an entire canal system and giant pool of mercury surrounded by cursed statues. y'all should probably go?
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oh tom, no c'mon any idiot can tell that's a cursed ruby don't touch that
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tom why did you shoot the ancient pulley system oh god no why are there so many spiders nowpic.twitter.com/Myo5TVUy94
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update: the goofy sidekick is shooting the camel spiders with a machine gun inside this tomb full of priceless antiquities
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sidebar: when my dad came home from the first gulf war one of his guys brought back a camel spider in a jar of formaldehyde. my dad told him he couldn’t have it, confiscated it, and gave it to my sister. scared the shit out of her first grade teacher at show and tell.
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tom cruise is cursed now and you can tell because birds are madpic.twitter.com/tpAUHRUiw2
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ugh i hate to be a downer but like, i can’t stop thinking about his poor scratched corneas. just staring out the open side of a helicopter landing in the damn desert.pic.twitter.com/NHqK361OzC
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the guy who got bit by the spider is pale, diaphoretic, and weak. y’all gonna check on him or are we letting the goofy sidekick die in act one?
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oh, side effects of cursed spider bites may include sweating, discomfort, and knife crime.pic.twitter.com/Zpw90XxI5G
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he double tapped his best friend with the gun in that position. standard army procedure.pic.twitter.com/tVqE7PkW7U
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the plane has been depressurized by a flock of angry crows flying through the windshield? it’s crashing now. everyone but tom cruise and the pretty but mean lady archaeologist with a secret are for sure gonna die.
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ok they both could’ve used that one parachute, right? luckily tom cruise has been cursed by the egyptian god of death and is about to come back from the dead. classic waking up in a body bag gag.
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lmao damn, called it. my dude is reading his own toe tag here, artfully concealing his dick. amazing cinematography.pic.twitter.com/77dDSdCJe3
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oh my god is there anything more embarrassing than when the pretty lady archaeologist you seduced so you could steal her map to the haunted treasure comes to the morgue to identify your corpse and you’re alive and everyone sees your penis?!pic.twitter.com/RP6PsJPhjN
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this guy is for sure gonna die. continuing to touch the sarcophagus AFTER all those birds cawed at you?pic.twitter.com/iut1VvXmDR
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that’s just how they kissed 5000 years ago. it’s cultural.pic.twitter.com/X4aLhpTD3A
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ok so is this more of a zombie thing or...? because this mummy just made out with two security guards and turned them into monsters?
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